Dr. Phil, Attorney at Law

The Tribune’s Dr. Phil puts away his stethoscope in order to show off his knowledge of jurisprudence:

Unfortunately for all of us, and especially for [Barry] Bonds, the questions that matter are:

** When will the indictment come?
** Will he get hit only with perjury and tax evasion, or also with some version of conspiracy or obstruction of justice?
** Will Major League Baseball have to wait until George Mitchell’s steroids committee renders a finding to give Bonds his career-ending suspension, or can Commissioner Bud Selig act upon the issuance of federal indictments?

…It wouldn’t be surprising if the case against Bonds produced some form of charges sooner – say, before the All-Star break – rather than later. It’s possible, though not all that likely, that however many home runs Bonds has hit on the day of an indictment winds up his eventual career total…

Here’s my guess what happens: The Mitchell committee will issue its report next winter. Selig will hand out immediate suspensions to Bonds and at least two others tied to BALCO, Jason Giambi and Gary Sheffield. And Bonds, unwilling to deal with such a public slap in the face and possibly deep into a criminal defense by then, never plays again.

Or, as Mark Slackmeyer once said, “That’s guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!”

Of course, Marvelous Mark was talking about someone who was really guilty. The jury is still out on Bonds, but Dr. Phil is already lining up the firing squad.