We're Going to Be Horse[bleep] the Rest of Our Lives

An artist's recreation of Ozzie Guillen's pity party Sunday night:



The whole thing is utterly hi-frickin'-larious on so many levels. An unnamed reporter set Ozzie off by having the audacity to joke that perhaps some A-ball outfielder might be called up to help the big club generate some offense. Ozzie's reponse:

Tired of ''all the managers in the press box and at home, watching the game on TV and spilling food on themselves,'' Guillen became the story before a 4-3 loss Sunday to the Toronto Blue Jays. In what never rose to the emotional level of some of his previous rants, Guillen made his feelings known about the perceived treatment he and his organization get in the Windy City.

''Right now, everyone in Chicago is making lineups, 'Call up this guy, call up that guy,''' Guillen said. ''If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media -- they forget pretty quick. A couple of days ago, we were the [bleep]ing best [bleep] in town, now we're [bleep].''

Because, as we all know, Ozzie is the only manager who's ever had his lineup questioned. Ever.

Asked why that is, Guillen pulled no punches.

''Because maybe the manager is an ass[bleep],'' he replied.

Finally -- Ozzie says something I can agree with 100%.

Here's where Ozzie truly takes a turn into Bizarro World.

Guillen said that the only way the perception of the Sox ever would change is by winning, but even after they did in 2005, it hasn't taken long for it to wear off.

''We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[bleep],'' Guillen said. ''The Cubs haven't won in 120 years, and they're the [bleep]ing best. [Bleep] it, we're good. [Bleep] everybody. We're horse[bleep], and we're going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We're the Chicago bitch. We have the worst owner -- the guy's got seven [bleep]ing rings, and he's the [bleep]ing horse[bleep] owner.''

One thing everyone associated with the White Sox will tell you is that they just don't care about what those darned Cubs do, 'cause their team is enough to keep the occupied. I'll run the risk of mind-reading and say that many of those people are lying through their teeth. Ozzie's boss cried about it earlier this year; now, Ozzie takes his turn.

Who the hell brought up the Cubs? And what do they have to do with someone making a weak joke about adding some pop to the lineup?

What does it say about Guillen that a dumb question from a reporter should spin completely out-of-control like that? It's not like he defended his decision-making; instead, he was able to move from the dumb question to "Everybody hates me" to "Everybody hates my team" to "Everybody loves those other guys more."

Sweet zombie Jesus -- and they said that Dusty was sensitive!

If Guillen lived in the real world instead of whatever Ozzie-verse he inhabits, he'd realize that (a) every manager in the Major Leagues gets asked stupid questions about his lineups, his rotation, his bullpen, the hotshot prospects tearing it up in the bush leagues, etc., etc. and (b) whatever sins (real of imagined) Chicago has committed against his team are committed in equal measure against those other guys.

Anyone who can read the web sites of the two Chicago dailies would see that. Guillen's been around the block -- he should realize that the only thing the media loves more than a winner is a loser they can beat up on. The only thing they hate are boring, mediocre teams that are hard to write about.

The Sun-Times didn't include this nugget o' joy, but the Trib's Mark Gonzales records it for posterity:

"How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bull[bleep]? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my [stuff]. I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, 'Here, give me money, here's the 10-year anniversary of my time I called [Jay] Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North.'

"Yeah, we have to celebrate all that [stuff] too. But I won't be around for 10 years, believe me."

I know it's hard for Guillen to keep tabs on what's going on in what I like to call Reality...but the Cubs didn't "celebrate" Lee Elia at all. The media loved it, and brought it up every change they got. Elia took the opportunity to apologize (I never thought he owed Cub Fans one, but I'll accept it on behalf of all of us if it makes him feel better) and sell some stuff to benefit some charity.

There was no Lee Elia Day at Wrigley. He didn't throw out the first pitch, or sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." He did go to a game, but he had to get a ticket from a friend to get in the park -- no comp seat from his ex-employers (damn cheapskates).

Then again, when has Guillen allowed the facts to get in the way of his gab?