Hey Kids -- Comics!

Marvel Comics, not content with polluting the comics industry with its crapulance, decided to use its cloven hooves to trample on the game I love. The one-time House of Ideas has teamed up with the Durham Bulls (and Memphis and Buffalo) to publish Triple-A Baseball Heroes.

Here's how the Durham PR folks describe it:

The "Triple-A Baseball Heroes" comic book sees Marvel's legendary Super Hero family the Fantastic Four and their children, Franklin and Valeria enjoy a day off at the ballpark for an exciting game between the International and Pacific Coast leagues. Peter Parker (Spider-Man) is also making a day of it with Aunt May and hoping to get in a few photos for the Daily Bugle as well. Additionally, billionaire industrialist Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, is on hand to throw out the first pitch. Seeing the excitement of the fans and the potential financial windfall, Stark also considers making an investment in the League; however, fans, players and heroes all get more excitement than they bargained for when the villainous Sandman appears and the Incredible Hulk is there to tag him out! It all adds up to a Marvelous day for an amazing sport and fantastic League.

Jeebus help me, there are just so many things wrong with that paragraph I can barely contain the urge to prove to you all that I just might be a bigger comics geek than I am a baseball geek. I will indulge this desire by questioning why in God's name a major New York daily newspaper would want to run pictures of a random Durham Bulls game, and wondering how good ol' Tony Stark found the time in his busy schedule of beating up his friends and trampling our nation's civil liberties to throw out a ceremonial first pitch.

As godawful as this looks, there's no way it can be any worse than the last baseball-related comic I picked up at the yard.

On 8 June 2003, the Milwaukee Brewers and the Wisconsin Dental Association handed out a comic that taught the Heirs to the Palatial Estate the dangers of chewing tobacco. Handing out the smackdown against chaw were Brewer stalwarts Jeffrey Hammonds (who was released by the team on 4 June) and Glendon Rusch (who got lit up for 8 earned in six and a third that afternoon. Good times...

Where, Indeed?

Big Mouth came out today and said that Carlos Zambrano is his BFF. And he's got no time for anyone who was dissin' his man earlier this year:

It's also true he [Zambrano] seems to struggle early every season. But it's well worth the wait when he comes out of hibernation. He started this season 4-4 with a 5.61 earned-run average. Remember the public gnashing of teeth?

In his last 10 starts, he is 7-3 with a 2.29 ERA. Where are the teeth-gnashers now?

Let's set the Way-Back Machine for 2 June 2007. Those happy few who purchased a copy of that day's Tribune found this nugget of joy waiting for them:

Given the way Zambrano unraveled before our eyes, turning Barrett into both a scapegoat and a punching bag in a shamefully unprofessional display -- and yes, also that 5.62 earned-run average he is lugging around -- there's no way for the Cubs to justify giving him the five-year, $75-million contract he should have had in his pocket long ago. Not anymore.

With that being the case, it's time to trade him and clear the decks for next year's free agent signings.

That was from Dr. Phil. Scanning a few inches up and to the left on page four of that day's sports section gave you this profound insight:

Zambrano is among the best pitchers in baseball, but he has looked like just another guy the first two months of the season. He's 5-5. The Braves had 20 hits Friday, 13 of them against Zambrano.

Zambrano is supposed to be better than this. Instead, he has a bad habit of zoning out for an inning or two every game. Aces win games. They don't stand on the mound wondering whether Batman could beat up Superman, or whatever it is Zambrano thinks about when he loses track of things.

He turned 26 Friday. He's not a kid anymore.

You'll never guess who wrote that. Actually, you won't guess, 'cause I'm gonna tell you. It was Big Mouth.

Unfortunately, online records from the first week of June are spotty at best, so no links are available. Go to your local public library and pull the microfiche and look for yourself.

So where are the teeth-gnashers now? A few of them are sitting in Tribune Tower, trying their hardest to disappear their strongly-held opinions of June.

And one more thing -- Batman could so totally kick Superman's ass. Partly because Supes is a stand-up guy who believes in fair play, while Batman is a sociopath who will do anything to win. But mostly because Batman carries around kryptonite for just such a contingency...