It's Especially Tricky the Way It Works

Time for another round of that famed Sesame Street game "One of These Things Is Not Like the Others!"

Here's the Chicago Tribune's Mark Gonzalez:

It was more than just a 3.71 ERA that White Sox closer Bobby Jenks needed to trim.


For Jenks, the bigger transformation involved his diet habits in an effort to change his daily life and enhance his baseball longevity.

"Honestly, it was a lot of everything," the 6-foot-4 Jenks said of the alterations he made to drop his weight to 275 pounds. "Not drinking helps. But really it was a lifestyle choice I wanted to make — not just for myself but for my family.

Really, the drinking part was hard. But once you did it, it was easy."

[snip]
The Sox's front office has been delighted at the way Jenks, 29, has responded. Four springs ago, following his breakout rookie season, Jenks reported to camp noticeably overweight and had to spend extra time with conditioning director Allen Thomas.

"In the past we've had to do two things — we had to get him in shape and his arm in shape," pitching coach Don Cooper said. "Right now it's just the arm because his body is in shape. It's great to see Bobby taking more responsibility and control of his career and life."

Jenks pitched through the 2005 postseason with a sore hip but managed to stay healthy until 2008, when he experienced discomfort behind his left shoulder blade. Last year he was sidelined because of kidney stones and missed the final 10 games because of a right calf strain.

As a result, Jenks embarked on measures to strengthen the shoulders, back and legs. He has also cut down on non-healthy food.

"Everyone knows not to eat certain things that aren't good for you, and the hard part is actually going to do it," Jenks said.

Good for Jenks.  As a guy who has made similar changes to his lifestyle, I appreciate how difficult it can be. But it's worth it.
 
Dr. Phil has another heart-warming story of a guy who's worked himself into shape:

Consider the highly motivated Andruw Jones. He arrived at the White Sox camp early and sassy, at one point calling himself the best center fielder on the property.

That seems unlikely, as Jones was only moderately adequate in the outfield for Texas last season. But the man has won 10 Gold Gloves and came to Glendale in good shape (minus the spare tire he packed in the last season or two of his 12-year stay in Atlanta). He's expected to get most of his playing time as part of a DH platoon, but if he could play well in the outfield he will give Ozzie Guillen a chance to use Carlos Quentin as the DH, lessening the chance he will have a recurrence of plantar fasciitis.

Ooohhhh...sassy! I like it!

And finally, it's our old buddy Sully, talkin' about the Cub's formerly pudgy catcher.  These are the first two paragraphs of his story:

After losing 40 pounds during the offseason, Geovany Soto looks like an air-brushed impression of his old self.

But losing weight means being under suspicion in the modern age. Soto laughed Tuesday when asked about talk show speculation he had been using performance-enhancing drugs.

"To me, (the rumors are) kind of ridiculous," Soto said. "I wasn't strong. I was just fat."

Sully shows superb self-restraint -- he waited almost two dozen words before he brought up the "speculation" that Geo's been doping!

To sum up:  the first thing we hear about Jenks is how he did "a lot of everything" to drop down to a sub-Fielder weight.  The first thing we hear about Jones is how he's "highly motivated."

And the first thing we hear about Soto is he's "air-brushed" (i.e., fake) and "under suspicion" for juicing.

So...which thing is not like the others?  The Soto piece, of course!

It's just another example of that damnable Tribune bias in favor of the Cubs.

Jason Kendall Wasn't Enough?

Despite coming up with Zach Greinke, Billy Butler, and Alex Gordon, the Royals continue to be the stupidest organization in baseball. Well, maybe tied with the Nationals. And maybe the Mets.

So It's Come to This

Jim Hendry has signed the dessicated remains of Jim Edmonds. Ugh.

I don't hate Edmonds like some other folks do. Even so, if Edmonds gives us anything approaching Neifi-like production I will be surprised.

I guess if the team was that desperate for a centerfielder, this move is marginally better than disinterring Hack Wilson and sticking a bat in his hands. But only because overtime pay for the grave diggers would have cost more money than what we're on the hook for with Edmonds...

Paranoid Much?

Normally, I wouldn't bother to make fun of Jose Canseco. But this little nugget of joy, as reported by the Trib's David Haugh, set off the WTF Alarm in my head:

A courtesy cup of black coffee was waiting for Jose Canseco on Friday when he arrived at his seat inside a downtown bookstore to sign copies of his second tell-all about steroids and baseball, "Vindicated."

Before Canseco took out a pen, he sent the beverage back.

"Who made this coffee? If you don't know who made it, you've got to dump it," Canseco snapped at a store employee. "No way they are going to get me."

They?

So began the latest stop on Canseco's Me Against the World Tour.

Wearing sunglasses he chose not to remove, Canseco called Major League Baseball a "powerful mafia," gave a detailed account of how he once injected former White Sox teammate Magglio Ordonez with steroids inside the U.S. Cellular Field clubhouse and flexed an ego that has never needed enhancement.

About half an hour after Canseco refused his coffee in a paranoid snit, another worker returned with a fresh cup she said she had just made herself. "Good—thank you," Canseco said.

You know, I've said some pretty mean things about Baron Budhausen and his cronies before. But I don't think they'd actually try to assassinate someone who's ticking them off. Perhaps Canseco is exaggerating his affect on the Commissioner's Office?

On the other hand, what do I know? As the saying goes...just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you, too...

Hey Kids -- Comics!

Marvel Comics, not content with polluting the comics industry with its crapulance, decided to use its cloven hooves to trample on the game I love. The one-time House of Ideas has teamed up with the Durham Bulls (and Memphis and Buffalo) to publish Triple-A Baseball Heroes.

Here's how the Durham PR folks describe it:

The "Triple-A Baseball Heroes" comic book sees Marvel's legendary Super Hero family the Fantastic Four and their children, Franklin and Valeria enjoy a day off at the ballpark for an exciting game between the International and Pacific Coast leagues. Peter Parker (Spider-Man) is also making a day of it with Aunt May and hoping to get in a few photos for the Daily Bugle as well. Additionally, billionaire industrialist Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, is on hand to throw out the first pitch. Seeing the excitement of the fans and the potential financial windfall, Stark also considers making an investment in the League; however, fans, players and heroes all get more excitement than they bargained for when the villainous Sandman appears and the Incredible Hulk is there to tag him out! It all adds up to a Marvelous day for an amazing sport and fantastic League.

Jeebus help me, there are just so many things wrong with that paragraph I can barely contain the urge to prove to you all that I just might be a bigger comics geek than I am a baseball geek. I will indulge this desire by questioning why in God's name a major New York daily newspaper would want to run pictures of a random Durham Bulls game, and wondering how good ol' Tony Stark found the time in his busy schedule of beating up his friends and trampling our nation's civil liberties to throw out a ceremonial first pitch.

As godawful as this looks, there's no way it can be any worse than the last baseball-related comic I picked up at the yard.

On 8 June 2003, the Milwaukee Brewers and the Wisconsin Dental Association handed out a comic that taught the Heirs to the Palatial Estate the dangers of chewing tobacco. Handing out the smackdown against chaw were Brewer stalwarts Jeffrey Hammonds (who was released by the team on 4 June) and Glendon Rusch (who got lit up for 8 earned in six and a third that afternoon. Good times...

Report from Wrigley Field

Took the family to beautiful Wrigley Field Thursday to see our heroes take on the Giants. The Younger Heir and I were thrilled to be back among our people. The Older Heir and the Reason for Living, not so much.

It was a good game, won by the home team 9-8. Bonds hit two homers against a wind blowing straight in from center field at a reported 15 mph. I swear that the first was hit higher than the right field foul pole. Guess the Clear really does pay off, huh?

We got off to an early lead, thanks to Matt Morris being Matt Morris, and the Giants defense somehow letting Aramis get to third after a hard single to right in the first inning.

Fortunately, the Giant bullpen had been worn down the previous few games, so Morris was left in to give up a total of eight runs (five earned). I say fortunately, because Bonds wound up with six RBIs. It’s a good thing Marmol and Howry were able to shut down the Giants’ batters in the eight and ninth, because no Cub Fan in attendance wanted to see Bonds hit home run 754.

Other notes from the game:
** Jacques Jones went four for five, prompting the Younger Heir to ask me why I always complain about how much he sucks.

** Ted Lilly stole a base, and Cliff Floyd scored from second on a passed ball. Not a good day for Bengie Molina.

** It’s a good thing Derrek Lee is back from suspension tomorrow, because the lineup Lou trotted out that game was more than a little unimpressive. Daryle Ward batting third is bad enough – having to replace him with Mark DeRosa after an injury doesn’t inspire much confidence. Mike Fontenot should not be hitting sixth (nor should he have hit third, as he did earlier in the week). Jacques still is bad, and Jason Kendall isn’t an upgrade.

When losing Cliff Floyd to the predictable injury is a blow to the lineup, you know your team is approaching an Astros-like level of futility…

** On the whole, it was a splendid time. The rain held off, there weren’t any obnoxious drunks in our section, and the Bonds taunts were refreshingly free of vulgarity. Thanks to Todd the Mark Grace Fan for hooking us up with tickets. The Younger Heir is already asking about our next trip…

Rearranging the Deck Chairs

So first we ditch Rob Bowen to make room for another pitcher on the roster.

Then we trade Bowen (and a minor-league pitcher) for Jason Kendall.

You have got to be kidding me.

Kendall, basically, is the catching version of Jacques Jones. Teams in contention don't need one Jacques Jones, let alone two.

Forcing myself to look on the bright side, I've heard Kendall is in the last year of his contract, so he should be gone at the end of the year. And can he suck any more than Bowen did?

Don't answer that...

By the way, Jerry Blevins, the LHP we sent to Oakland as part of the deal, is 3-2 with nine saves and a 1.02 ERA while splitting time in Daytona and Tennessee this year. I bet Sully is able to get in at least one Dontrelle Willis reference in time to make tomorrow's paper...

What the Zell?

I ran into one of our sales guys at the office the other day. He knows a guy who knows Sam Zell, the owner of the Tribune Company and, by extension, the Chicago Cubs.

The sales guy told me that the rumored Jacques Jones to Florida deal was quashed by Zell himself. From what this guy heard, Zell didn't see the logic in paying Jones $5 million to play somewhere else.

Also, the sales guy said that Zell ordered Hendry and Piniella to play Jones. Because that's how Zell rolls -- when he talks he expects stuff to happen.

Accept this story with the grain of salt you should always accept stories that come from the friend of a friend of a friend. But if it is true, it makes me happier than ever that the suits at the Tower are going to unload the team.

Zell might be a big-shot business guy, but this move shows he has little idea about the concept of sunk cost. The money committed to Jones is already gone -- no GM in his right mind would take on that contract, not even in exchange for non-prospects (oh, how I miss Chuck LaMar...).

In Zell's thinking, sending Loria the Destroyer $5 mil for the privilege of playing Jones might be a waste. But since Zell vetoed the trade, we're paying that same $5 million and wasting a roster spot. Talk about a lose-lose situation.

I didn't think the Jones signing was horrible last year. However, I also hoped that Jones would be at least a marginally productive outfielder. He's fallen off a cliff this year, and the only way we'll be able to move him is if he starts hitting.

Maybe Zell should order Jones to start hitting. If that approach works at the Tower, why not at Wrigley?

Destination Unknown

There has been one subject on Cub Fans' minds lately -- where will Jacque Jones get shipped off to?

The corollary to that question is who will we get in return?

My answers to these questions: Don't care, as long as he goes somewhere else. And it doesn't matter who we get, because we're in no position to expect anything good.

I've heard a lot of opinion (from other Cub Fan in my acquaintance, on the radio call-in shows, and on the message boards) about what Jim Hendry needs to do. We need a catcher, we need a power-hitting outfielder, we need a "real" closer. And, somehow, Hendry will magically turn Jacque Jones into one of those valuable commodities.

Time to face realities, Cub Fans: it ain't gonna happen.

That's not to disparage Hendry's skill as a trader. After all, he is the guy who turned Hee Seop Choi into Derrek Lee, and flipped Bobby Hill for Aramis Ramirez. So he has been known to pull the Jedi Mind Trick in the past.

But Hill and Choi were at least viable prospects at the time those deals were made. Jones is...well, Jones just isn't very good.

Cub Fans rail against Jones because he's a below-average defensive outfielder who can't hit. If we can see that, rest assured that the other twenty-nine Major League GMs can see it, too. Since Chuck LaMar isn't running a team anymore, I don't think even Obi-Wan Kenobi could trade Jones for anything immediately useful. You're just setting yourself up for heartache if you expect anything more than a box of baseballs in return...

Twenty-Seven Ways of Looking at a Cardinal

Was it just me, or was there a motif running through Friday and Saturday’s Cubs-Cards games?

A lot of the play-by-play I heard were variations along these lines:

‘Duncan won’t get to that one.’

‘Duncan turns the wrong way.’

‘Duncan took the wrong route to that fly ball.’

‘That’s over Duncan’s head and off the wall.’

Great googaly moogaly, Chris Duncan has to be one of the crappiest outfielders ever. But thanks to Lonnie Smith, he’s still not the Cardinal’s crappiest outfielder ever…