And I Want a Pony, Too!

Dr. Phil bemoans the fact that the Tigers traded center fielder Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, not the Cubs.

Impressively, Dr. Phil behaves as a semi-responsible journamalist by acknowledging that perhaps Hendry couldn't pull off the deal because the Cubs don't have players the Tigers wanted.  Will wonders ever cease?

How different would life have been if he had wound up playing for his hometown team?

Granderson pondered that question for a long time this offseason. It could have been a beautiful marriage — in my opinion, one of the best things that might have happened to the Cubs both because of his skill set as a power-speed hitter and plus fielding and his off-the-charts intangibles.

Cubs general manager Jim Hendry worked to make that happen but couldn't force an unnatural fit with the Tigers, who were looking for parts that weren't in the Cubs' inventory. He settled for signing the right-handed-hitting Marlon Byrd instead, a move born of need, not inspiration.

It was Granderson he really wanted.

"Jim did want to get a deal done,'' Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski said. "But if we were going to trade Curtis and [starter] Edwin Jackson, we had to get back players who could help in the major leagues now. The Cubs had players we liked but they weren't the kind that were ready, and that was the kind we had to have.''

That's better than Dr. Phil has done in the past.  In times past, Dr. Phil would have been happy to brush off his "Boy, that Hendry is an idiot for not making this trade" script and called it a day.

Other ways life would be different, if only Hendry could pull off a trade or two:

• DNA technology could clone Babe Ruth, Walter Johnson, and Honus Wagner. Just think how awesome the Cubs would be with those three guys!
• We could trade a few prospects to the guys and Ben and Jerrys in exchange for magical chocolate and peanut butter ice cream, the kind that you can eat as much as you wanted without getting fat.  Good for me personally, and good to help Carlos Silva from becoming the Cubs' version of Bobby Jenks.
• Ponies for everyone!  Woooo!

One other thing...Dr. Phil. mentions Granderson's "hometown team."  As I've been reminded several bajillion times, there are two teams in Chicago.  Would trading for Granderson be "one of the better things" to happen to the White Sox?

Whaddya say, Dr. Phil?

In Alex Rios, Juan Pierre and a rejuventated [Andruw] Jones, [Ozzie] Guillen would have himself three center fielders -- four if you count Mark Kotsay, a regular there as recently as 2008 for the Braves.

Certainly no need for a "power-speed hitter" with "plus fielding and off-the-charts intangibles" when you've got that quartet of center field excellence.

It's Especially Tricky the Way It Works

Time for another round of that famed Sesame Street game "One of These Things Is Not Like the Others!"

Here's the Chicago Tribune's Mark Gonzalez:

It was more than just a 3.71 ERA that White Sox closer Bobby Jenks needed to trim.


For Jenks, the bigger transformation involved his diet habits in an effort to change his daily life and enhance his baseball longevity.

"Honestly, it was a lot of everything," the 6-foot-4 Jenks said of the alterations he made to drop his weight to 275 pounds. "Not drinking helps. But really it was a lifestyle choice I wanted to make — not just for myself but for my family.

Really, the drinking part was hard. But once you did it, it was easy."

[snip]
The Sox's front office has been delighted at the way Jenks, 29, has responded. Four springs ago, following his breakout rookie season, Jenks reported to camp noticeably overweight and had to spend extra time with conditioning director Allen Thomas.

"In the past we've had to do two things — we had to get him in shape and his arm in shape," pitching coach Don Cooper said. "Right now it's just the arm because his body is in shape. It's great to see Bobby taking more responsibility and control of his career and life."

Jenks pitched through the 2005 postseason with a sore hip but managed to stay healthy until 2008, when he experienced discomfort behind his left shoulder blade. Last year he was sidelined because of kidney stones and missed the final 10 games because of a right calf strain.

As a result, Jenks embarked on measures to strengthen the shoulders, back and legs. He has also cut down on non-healthy food.

"Everyone knows not to eat certain things that aren't good for you, and the hard part is actually going to do it," Jenks said.

Good for Jenks.  As a guy who has made similar changes to his lifestyle, I appreciate how difficult it can be. But it's worth it.
 
Dr. Phil has another heart-warming story of a guy who's worked himself into shape:

Consider the highly motivated Andruw Jones. He arrived at the White Sox camp early and sassy, at one point calling himself the best center fielder on the property.

That seems unlikely, as Jones was only moderately adequate in the outfield for Texas last season. But the man has won 10 Gold Gloves and came to Glendale in good shape (minus the spare tire he packed in the last season or two of his 12-year stay in Atlanta). He's expected to get most of his playing time as part of a DH platoon, but if he could play well in the outfield he will give Ozzie Guillen a chance to use Carlos Quentin as the DH, lessening the chance he will have a recurrence of plantar fasciitis.

Ooohhhh...sassy! I like it!

And finally, it's our old buddy Sully, talkin' about the Cub's formerly pudgy catcher.  These are the first two paragraphs of his story:

After losing 40 pounds during the offseason, Geovany Soto looks like an air-brushed impression of his old self.

But losing weight means being under suspicion in the modern age. Soto laughed Tuesday when asked about talk show speculation he had been using performance-enhancing drugs.

"To me, (the rumors are) kind of ridiculous," Soto said. "I wasn't strong. I was just fat."

Sully shows superb self-restraint -- he waited almost two dozen words before he brought up the "speculation" that Geo's been doping!

To sum up:  the first thing we hear about Jenks is how he did "a lot of everything" to drop down to a sub-Fielder weight.  The first thing we hear about Jones is how he's "highly motivated."

And the first thing we hear about Soto is he's "air-brushed" (i.e., fake) and "under suspicion" for juicing.

So...which thing is not like the others?  The Soto piece, of course!

It's just another example of that damnable Tribune bias in favor of the Cubs.

Good news for White Sox fans

Johnny Damon signs with the Tigers. Thus sparing us the sight of Damon side-by-side with Juan Pierre in the outfield.

In Denial, or Just Ignorant?

The headline on Ken Rosenthal's piece today asks a question I thought offered an obvious answer:

Why is Jermaine Dye looking for work?

I'll go out on a limb and sugest a few reasons. It may be the fact that he's 36 years old with a growing list of infirmities. Or perhaps because heis reportedly looking for both a starting gig and a salary somewhere in the neighborhood of where it's been recently ($11.5 million last year, according to ESPN).  Or possibly his post-All-Star Break OPS of .590.

Or some combination of the above.

I laughed out loud at this bit:

Just last offseason, the Phillies signed left fielder Raul Ibanez — who was a year older than Dye is now and also a below-average defender — to a three-year, $31.5 million contract.


Dye said his offer from the Cubs was for less than one-tenth of that amount.

The Cubs proposed a one-year $3 million contract, Dye said, not the $3.3 million deal that they gave to another free-agent outfielder, Xavier Nady.


While Nady, 31, is five years younger than Dye, he played in only seven games last season before undergoing a second Tommy John surgery on his right elbow.

“No doubt, I’ve probably slowed down a little bit (defensively), but not enough to not be getting (attractive) offers,” Dye said.

“I’ve already expressed a willingness to play first base or left field if need be. I’ve taken groundballs at first base a couple of times a week the last five years in Chicago. That transition will be pretty easy.”

Is Dye going around whining to reporters that those mean ol' Cubs signed a (slightly) younger outfielder on the cheap instead of giving him a multi-year deal?  Or is he bent because he would have jumped at the offer if Jim Hendry had ponied up another $300 K?

[Side note to Jermaine:  it is exemplary of you to say you're ready to jump in at first base or left field. However, that may not be as strong a selling point to the Cubs as you think, since we've already got those two positions covered by guys that aren't going anywhere soon.]

I don't begrudge Dye's desire to get a few more years of baseball before he has to hang 'em up. But he's been around long enough to know the business side of the game doesn't leave a lot of room for sentiment.
 

Mike Downey Makes Me Laugh

In a dark and mordant way, of course.

The highly estimable Trib columnist (and avowed White Sox Fan, for those of you who believe that sort of thing influences the coverage) used this weekend's washed-out games as an excuse to write another of his patently stupid pieces.

In a nutshell: Carlos Zambrano and Fukudome suck ass. Nick Swisher and Clayton Richard are the bees' knees.

Most amusing was this nugget o' joy. Don't you dare crack on Downey's boys:

Ozzie Guillen nevertheless has had his Sox in first place for more than 100 days. He continues to get criticized by people who seem to believe that being in first place for most of four or five months is easy as pie (and I don't mean Felix).

I even read a couple of days ago that the Sox are "unraveling." They are? When was that? The day they almost fell way down to second place?

It's a fair cop. But it also jogged something in my memory that led me back to the archives.

What was Downey saying back on 27 July? Why, he was carping about another team that was "unraveling:"

Well, you fun-loving, song-singing, "W"-flag-waving Cubs fans, you still feeling confident in the Confines? Did you see this coming?

Who knew?

Who knew before Saturday's 12-inning, 3-2 defeat at Wrigley Field that your team's customary "June Swoon" would turn out to be a July one instead?

According to the good folks at Baseball Reference.com, the Cubs were tied for first place with the Brewers heading into action on the 27th.

Sweet zombie Jesus! That's just like almost falling way down to second place!

Since then (again, according to the Baseball Reference.com folks), the Cubs are 28-14, even with their recent crappy streak.

For those of you scoring at home, that's a .667 winning percentage. Not that anyone at the Tower would tell you that. Or about Geo Soto winning the Rookie of the Month award (but that's another story).

"I Want to Ruin It for Them"

This happened a few days ago, but I haven't heard about it much in the usual locations. Must be that damned media bias.

Anyway, Ozzie Guillen went off again last week. Here are his actual quotes, presented without comment:

I don't understand the people out there. I don't get it. I sit with [general manager] Kenny Williams and we try to do stuff, and we get pounded like we don't try or don't care or do good for the fans or for us.

And I don't get it. I trust my players. I think they're good talent and will play hard for us.

And hopefully the result will be the right one. Because if we win this thing, Billy Martin, Earl Weaver, all those guys will be on diapers with what I'm going to say, because I'm going to rip a lot of people apart if we win this year, because enough is enough. What are we going to do to satisfy people?...

If people get mad at me and [think] I ruin this stuff for them, good. I want to ruin it for them. That's what people say. But in the meanwhile, it drives me crazy.

I tell my players every day, 'Give me some bullets to fight for you.' Everything I do in this town is to fight for my players. And everyone likes to hammer and hammer and hammer how [terrible] I am.

Oh, what the hell? I'll add a comment...

Put Me In Coach

The Trib's Mike Downey takes a break from retyping his usual scripts about the evils of the Cubs, their organization, and their fans to laud his BFFs for their big trade today:

The Tribune, 9:36 a.m.: "Griffey headed to Sox."

Excellent news. I was stoked.

Oh, that Ken Williams, always something up his sleeve. If not an ace, then a king.

Ken Griffey Jr., in center field at the Cell?

A cause to rejoice -- set off the fireworks.

Uhhh...One wonders if Downey realizes Junior hasn't played center field since 2006. And wasn't particularly good at playing center field back then, either.

Oh, well. Set off the fireworks! Everyone gets a pony!

Cheap Shots and Shameful Behavior

It's been a shameful week so far at the Tribune Tower, as two of the company's star columnists engaged in some pretty disgraceful behavior.

First, Big Mouth Morrissey took it upon himself to get Ozzie Guillen to respond to his insulting, anonymously-send e-mail. At the end of the day, Big Mouth is man enough to tell Ozzie he's the guy who's been sending the insulting e-mails. But still -- why in God's name would anyone do that?

Let alone an allegedly professional journalist?

This little escapade doesn't quite reach these heights in terms of outright ignominity. But it comes close.

Meanwhile, Dr. Phil gives us his take on the Brewer's trade for Captain Cheeseburger and the Cubs' move to pick up Rich Harden. True to form, in Dr. Phil's world everything is sunshine and lollipops for the Brew Crew, and doom and gloom for the Cubs.

Buried towards the end of the piece is this little nugget of joy:

Another scout said he did not view Harden as the next best pitcher available after Sabathia because of "makeup" and health questions. He said Harden, who had spent months rehabilitating from a strained shoulder, declined to make starts last September because the A's were out of the race.

If true, that's positively Prioriffic.

Well played, sir! A definite two-fer for the mediocre Doctor! Getting the boot in on Harden and Prior at the same time...not everyone can pull that off. It takes some real talent.

A couple thoughts on the cheap shot(s):

1. If true (and that's a big if, considering all we have to go on is the word of an anonymous scout who's already on the record as being anti-Harden and is probably not a world-class clairvoyant able to read Harden's mind), is it really such an awful thing? For a pitcher rehabbing a bum shoulder to not push himself just to pitch some meaningless September games?

For years, Dr. Phil (and others) lambasted Dusty Baker for pushing Kerry Wood and Mark Prior to the breaking point in 2003. Which, you may recall, was a year my heroes were in the midst of a pennant race.

But now it's bad form for Harden to not want to pitch for the opprtunity to pitch the A's to 81 wins rather than the 79 they wound up with?

2. And perhaps a real smart baseball guy like Billy Beane would agree that, perhaps, it wouldn't be wise to hustle a pitcher back on the mound just to impress the scouts.

3. A couple years ago, Derrick Lee begged off some meaningless September games while he recovered from a broken wrist (and to be with his ailing daughter). He could have played, but opted to be with his family and get healthy for the next year. Does that make D-Lee "Prioriffic," too?

4. And why the cheap shot at Prior in the first place? I was as frustrated at Prior's health problems as anyone. But good God -- is there any reason for the constant harping on the guy?

Especially since Dr. Phil himself was pimping Prior as a potential Godsend for the Padres mere days before the start of the 2008 season:

While still feeling the effects of his 2007 shoulder surgery, [Mark] Prior had an outstanding spring training. He will benefit from being away from the intense scrutiny that came with the expectations he created for himself at Wrigley Field. He will start the season on the disabled list but could make 20-plus starts. Prior can be a free agent after this season, which was a factor in the Cubs not offering him salary arbitration, so he won't lack for motivation. It will be interesting to see if the Cubs will have two starters pitching better than Prior in August and September, when he could have been pushing the Cubs toward the playoffs.

Prioriffic, indeed. I'm willing to bet we have two starters pitching better than Prior in August and September...

Thank God That's Over

Sweet zombie Jeebus, I hate interleague play. But I hate the White Sox series even more than interleague play in general.

No, not because I hate the White Sox. It's because the Cubs/Sox series can never just be about the game. There's so much extraneous BS going around that it just gets tiresome.

Whether it's the bozos from both sides of town who pollute the message boards here to the constant whining about everything from White Sox players, field manager, and front office executives.

I hate to be on the same side as a putz like Mariotti, but I am. You'd think a World Series trophy would be enough to validate some people's sense of self-worth so they wouldn't feel the urge to denigrate others. You'd be wrong.

Look at what those guys were saying over the last week. Now, imagine that instead of a guy from the White Sox saying that stuff about the Cubs, their stadium, and their fans, that it was a guy from the Red Sox talking about the Orioles. Or the Astros talking about the Rangers. Or some random team not from Chicago about some other random team not from Chicago.

If it were a member of the Tigers front office ripping on Cleveland for not having won a World Series in a long time, you'd think him a nut job. Or deeply, deeply disturbed.

But what do I know? Stay classy, Chicago White Sox organization!

The Hell???

Michael Lewis, the evil-doer who co-wrote Moneyball with Billy Beane (that's a joke -- don't write in to tell me that's incorrect), once referred to baseball as a big social club, with the media serving as a Women's Auxiliary to the club.

One journamalist that Lewis points to as playing a large role in the Auxiliary is Tracy Ringolsby. And Ringolsby shows off the credentials that led him to that role with this puzzling piece about Cub Fans and White Sox Fans.

I'm not sure what the hell this was supposed to be about. But I'm pretty sure there's something to offend everyone in this piece (Jim, any thoughts on those Sox Fans who "like to talk about Disco Demlotion?").

Surf City, Here I Come

The Tribune's Phil Rosenthal reports that new Tribune Co. headmaster Sam Zell expects the media behemoth to "retain a minority interest" in the Chicago Cubs.

That would be the same Sam Zell who also holds a minority interest in the Chicago White Sox.

We may have to toss out the Second City nickname for Chicago and replace it with Surf City. To paraphrase Brian Wilson -- Two teams for every boy!

Zell received an exemption from Baron Budhausen regarding this dual ownership. For good reason, it's quite against Major League rules for anyone to have an ownership stake in multiple teams.

Reportedly, Zell was in the process of off-loading his White Sox share when he leveraged himself into the TribCo's top job. I haven't seen any further report of movement on this front (Gentle Readers, please correct me if I am wrong). Let's hope the Baron uses his Commissioner's powers to hasten the process along...

From the Top Down

Jim offered the opinion that Orlando Cabrera is a whiny baby.

He very well could be; such behavior lends credence to the theory. But perhaps he's also following the lead of White Sox management.

After all, Cabrera's manager had a cry-fest because people in Chicago didn't love his team enough. Boo hoo, cried Ozzie. We're horse[bleep], and we're going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We're the Chicago bitch.

And then there's Ozzie's boss. You may recall the rain falling from Kenny's eyes back in March. Stamping his feet, Kenny sobbed, There's only one sports team in Chicago that will get a pass. I won't name them. But it ain't us.

With team leadership behaving in such fashion, is it any wonder Cabrera behaved as if there were no shame in (a) whining to the official scorer and (2) whining to the press that Ozzie don't love him enough?

Orlando Cabrera Has A Hissy Fit

Those mean official scorers are charging him with errors! And his manager is mean, too, because he won't waste time calling the scorer to ask that the calls be changed. Also, they make him take naps during the day and clean his plate before getting dessert.

Cabrera is a good player, but he looks like a short timer with the Sox. Both his manager and his GM are apparently losing patience with him quickly. Dick Williams once said that Terry Kennedy had an equipment problem--he needed a diaper. Cabrera appears to have the same need.

It Would Be Funny If It Weren't So Pathetic

Shorter Mike Downey: Boo-hoo! The White Sox are in second place, and no one loves them as much as they love the Cubs! Boo-hoo! Life is so unfair!

This is standard-issue nuttery from Downey. I try not to mock stuff like this (because it's like shooting fish in a Dixie cup), but there was one particular passage that made me laugh and laugh. The ridiculousness of it just begged for a whuppin'.

After blathering about how the Sox started the week merely a game out of first place, and about all the good young talent on the team, and some self-pitying mewling about how nobody loves his heroes, Downey comes back with this:

For a team that has been in first or second place for most of this season, the Sox have not been the talk of the league. They aren't even the talk of their own town.

Cubs, Cubs and More Cubs—that's what you hear here.

A day doesn't go by without somebody gushing about how great the Cubs look. (Whereas the last time I looked in the standings, the Cubs were only 1 1/2 games ahead of the so-so Houston Astros and 4 1/2 up on the p.u. Pittsburgh Pirates.)

And this is the point at which Downey's logic collapses like the house of cards it is.

No, not because I think the White Sox stink. Rather, it's because the facts have a pro-Cubs bias.

Downey's facts are right about the Cubs' lead over divisional rivals Houston and Pittsburgh. But Downey is disingenuous presenting this information, because he doesn't actually tell you what the teams' records actually are.

Heading into today's action, here's the NL Central standings:

Chicago 23-15 ---
Saint Louis 23-17 1
Houston 22-17 1.5
Milwaukee 19-19 4
Pittsburgh 18-20 5
Cincinnati 16-23 7.5

Meanwhile, the White Sox -- the team Downey refers to as a "nice surprise" and deserves a "standing ovation" for being a game out of first place, is 18-19.

You read that correctly. Mike Downey says that a .500 team is a "nice suprise."

Eagle-eyed readers may also notice that those so-so Astros would be three games up in the standings on the Pale Hose. And the "p.u." Pirates -- merely a half-game behind.

And that's the team Downey is telling the rubes they should be cheering for. Not those no-good, rotten, over-rated Cubs.

The White Sox have an interesting team this year, which is more than I could say about last year's version. But right now, they're a .500 team with decent pitching and a middling offense. If Cleveland and Detroit continue to fritter away their seasons, that could be enough to keep them in contention all year. You know, pretty much the same scenario that last year's Cubs squad took advantage of.

Downey's an admitted White Sox partisan, so it's not surprising that he should make this little trip in the waaaaaaaaah-mbulance. The truly sad thing -- a guy who is honored with a Hall of Fame ballot cannot advance the discourse about our National Pastime more than this.

Saddle Up

If you want more proof that the blow-up doll "controversy" is more like making a mountain out of a grain of sand, look no further than Mike Downey and Big Mouth Morrissey getting up on their high horses in this week's Trib.

Downey pretty much calls out the Sun-Times as a bunch of hypocrites for getting up in arms about the dolls while at the same time running adverts for strip joints and pictures of Playmates.

Meanwhile, Big Mouth says:

I don't want to sound like a mother demanding her child eat all of his food because of the starving children in China, but 22,000 people died in a recent typhoon in Myanmar, and we're worried about two blowup dolls in a major-league clubhouse?

Congratulations, Big Mouth -- you've just rationlized your livelihood away. I mean, bad stuff happens every single day in the world. Really bad stuff that makes worrying about any form of entertainment (movies, sports, TV) inconsequential.

When a "controversy" is so lame that it produces two columns this banal, it's time to close the door on it. Please, let's just move on, OK?

The Dolls Clubhouse

I'm sure that I'll be taken to task by someone for my insensitive and incorrect views, so this is all I'm going to say about the blow up doll incident. The members of the Chicago White Sox are all adults, and adults do things like this. Because they are friends, and friends like to laugh among themselves, and at themselves.

I'm not sure that it was funny, but my sense of humor is probably a bit more refined.

We move closer and closer every day to the time when MLB clubhouses are no longer accessible to the media. I'm not sure that this would be an entirely bad thing.

Hard to Believe

From an AP story picked up by the Arlington Daily Herald:

Investigators say Sox fan James Falakos had been drinking when he pushed a Cubs fan into a window at a Domino's Pizza restaurant, breaking the glass.

What? White Sox Fan getting drunk and violent? That's unpossible!

I kid, of course...

Return of the Horse[bleep] Tuesday Night Link Dump

Well-rested after a week's vacation, what is widely considered in my house to be the greatest Tuesday Night Link Dump on the Internet tubes returns!

** After a terrible, no-good, rotten day Sunday, Ozzie decided to unclench a little:

Guillen was less critical of media members whom he accused by being too fickle after the first five weeks of the season.

"I don't worry about the media," he said. "I can go to the moon, and people will ask me a question. I went to Spain last year because I don't want to talk about baseball, and people were talking about baseball in bars.

"Wherever I go, people want to know what's going on."

Sounds like somebody got some QT with the blow-up dolls. I kid, I kid!

** MLB continues its efforts to atone for its shameful, shameful past:

As part of its 2008 First-Year Player Draft next month, Major League Baseball will hold a ceremonial selection of players from the Negro Leagues. Participation in the draft is voluntary, but most of the 30 clubs are expected to take part as baseball continues its efforts to keep alive the history of the Negro Leagues.

The ceremonial event will be streamed live by BaseballChannel.TV at 1 p.m. ET, directly preceding the start of the 2008 First-Year Player Draft at 2 p.m. ET. Both events will take place at The Milk House at Disney's Wide World of Sports complex in Orlando, Fla. Fans are encouraged to attend and admission is free, with seating available on a first-come, first-served basis.

"You don't ever want to forget your history," [MLB Executive Vice President Jimmie Lee] Solomon said Tuesday. "The whole gist of what we've been trying to do in this area of diversity -- in this era of inclusion -- is to go full circle: look at our present and examine our past and rededicate ourselves to the true essence of what the American pastime should be."

We've been critical of Baron Budhausen and his cronies here, but I'm more than happy to give him props for stuff like this. If only we didn't have to have stuff like this...

** Voting for the All-Star Game is now open. Because there's no better time to figure out who's having the best season than the first week in May. No props to the Baron for this form of early voting...

** Maybe Jim can add to this, because he's paid for MLB TV while I stick to good ol' reliable Gameday Audio:

According to the customer service at Major League Baseball, the MLB.TV Premium package, which lets customers watch baseball games on their computers at higher bandwidths than the basic package and allows users to watch up to six games at once, is a "bonus."

The rep also claims that the difference between 800k and 1.2Mb video speeds, both of which are available to Premium subscribers, is negligible, and in any case, their product info pages says they're not obligated to provide the 1.2Mb package.

** MLB.com's Mike Bauman wrote the Brew Crew was "for real" after their exciting win Thursday against the Cubs.

Since then, the Crew has dropped four in a row to Houston and Florida.

Note to Mr. Bauman: please don't ever write that the Cubs are "for real." Thank you.

** ESPN.com goes into the details on why the Brewers weren't "for real" since 1983.

** Finally, it wouldn't be a Tuesday Night Link Dump without a You Tube musical interlude. To honor those nutty funsters in the White Sox clubhouse, without any further ado, here's your own -- your very own -- Dirk McQuickly!

Stuff That Gets Blown (Up) Out of Proportion

Props to the AP for coming up with the most amusing headline of the day:

Never a doll moment for White Sox

Negative props to the media as a whole for keeping this story afloat. One could say that they were blowing it out of proportion...

As a Cub Fan, I've witnessed the media make a huge deal out of some real stupid [bleep] (if I may quote Ozzie Guillen). From Dusty's toothpicks to Sammy's boom box to Lou's next big blow up, there's nothing the media loves more than something stupid that gets people riled up. This blow-up doll story is on par with that other stuff.

Oh, it's tasteless (as is the concept of the "Slump Buster"). But GM Kenny Williams has addressed the issue, and assures us it shan't happen again. That's good enough for me.

Anyway, if the Sox were really serious about busting their slump, they wouldn't mess around with ordinary blow-up dolls -- they'd go right for the good stuff. One of these things was a staple in the locker room of Madison's former pro hockey team. At least it was until a very tough loss in the playoffs...

Stay Classy, White Sox Players

From what was once marketed in Chicago as The Bright One:

A clubhouse prank by the White Sox before Sunday's game against the Blue Jays drew some attention in Toronto and forced Ozzie Guillen to address why there were blow-up dolls in his clubhouse.

The prank, apparently designed as a "slump-buster" to get the Sox offense out of a rut, included two blow-up dolls with bats strategically placed. The incident was reported in today's National Post in Toronto and on www.suntimes.com/sports in the "Inside the White Sox" blog by Joe Cowley.

"I’m not going to make the players apologize," Guillen said. "I don’t think that was a big deal. It’s our house. I don’t think we did anything wrong and I don’t think we did anything to make people upset. We did something to have fun and stay loose."

Here's the official reaction from the front office. I think there's a sentence hidden in there somewhere:

[Sox spokesman Scott] Reifert expects some dialogue about the situation when the team returns.

"I'm sure when the team gets back from the road trip there will be some conversations," he said. "Generally in a clubhouse that kind of thing is kept kind of quiet in the clubhouse in terms of results."