Memo to the Brew Crew

Dear Mensa Members of Milwaukee:

When celebrating your teammate's selection to the All-Star Team, please do not rush him during a press conference and douse him with beer when he is holding his young daughter on his lap.

That kind of behavior might fly in Milwaukee, but the rest of the civilized world might not be down with it...

Talk About Going Down With An Injury

I have no trouble believing that Brandon Inge hurt himself in exactly the way he described.

What I don't get is this: why in hell is your three year old still sleeping with mommy and daddy? Take some time while on the DL to take a few parenting classes, Brandon.

The Dolls Clubhouse

I'm sure that I'll be taken to task by someone for my insensitive and incorrect views, so this is all I'm going to say about the blow up doll incident. The members of the Chicago White Sox are all adults, and adults do things like this. Because they are friends, and friends like to laugh among themselves, and at themselves.

I'm not sure that it was funny, but my sense of humor is probably a bit more refined.

We move closer and closer every day to the time when MLB clubhouses are no longer accessible to the media. I'm not sure that this would be an entirely bad thing.

Stay Classy, White Sox Players

From what was once marketed in Chicago as The Bright One:

A clubhouse prank by the White Sox before Sunday's game against the Blue Jays drew some attention in Toronto and forced Ozzie Guillen to address why there were blow-up dolls in his clubhouse.

The prank, apparently designed as a "slump-buster" to get the Sox offense out of a rut, included two blow-up dolls with bats strategically placed. The incident was reported in today's National Post in Toronto and on www.suntimes.com/sports in the "Inside the White Sox" blog by Joe Cowley.

"I’m not going to make the players apologize," Guillen said. "I don’t think that was a big deal. It’s our house. I don’t think we did anything wrong and I don’t think we did anything to make people upset. We did something to have fun and stay loose."

Here's the official reaction from the front office. I think there's a sentence hidden in there somewhere:

[Sox spokesman Scott] Reifert expects some dialogue about the situation when the team returns.

"I'm sure when the team gets back from the road trip there will be some conversations," he said. "Generally in a clubhouse that kind of thing is kept kind of quiet in the clubhouse in terms of results."

It Happens Every Spring

It's the end of April, and that can only mean it's time for the Tribune to rehash the Lee Elia tirade story again.

Funny how things change...twenty-five years ago, Elia said a lot of naughty, naughty words. And people were shocked -- shocked, I tell ya!

Today, there's another manager in town for whom the F-bomb serves as a conjunction, preposition, and adjective. And he's praised for his straight-talking, non-PC way of takin' care of business.

[Side note to everyone in Chicago -- there's only one team in the city that gets a pass. Stop handing out passes!]

More interesting than the same-old, same-old Elia Says Curses story is the accompanying text about the reporters covering Elia's rant. From the first few paragraphs you can tell that Teddy Greenstein is giving us a rare glimpse into the soul of our sports media:

It was a few hours before their 6 p.m. sportscast, and WMAQ-Ch. 5's 1-2 punch of Chet Coppock and Mark Giangreco realized they were hurting for a lead item.

The date was April 29, 1983. The White Sox were in Toronto. The Blackhawks were down 2-0 to Edmonton in their playoff series. The Bulls were already on vacation.

"We're watching the Cubs game and Lee Smith throws a wild pitch in the eighth to bring in the [ Dodgers'] go-ahead run," Coppock recalled. "The Cubs are just awful.

"So I tell Mark, 'Why don't you go to Cubs park? There has to be somebody who will pop off.' "

What that? The media just trolling for controversial sound bites to fill its air time? And not really giving a rat's ass about what actually happens on the field, as long as they can get some good tape of "somebody who will pop off?"

Over the last quarter century, our baseball media has grown much more tolerant of NC-17 language. But they still loves them some hot, juicy sound bites.

Good to know that somethings haven't changed since 1983.

Really?

I guess if it's collusion for teams to not want to sign a 43-year-old DH who reportedly wants to sign for a not inconsiderable amount of money and who also reportedly faces some not incosiderable legal issues and who reportedly is an inconsiderate jerk, then I guess the MLBPA has a case here.

SIlly Stuff

Been distracted the last few days, but just had to toss out some of the goofier stuff I've seen out on the internet tubes...

** The Trib's exceedingly estimable Dave van Dyck writes up Baseball Prospectus' 2008 predictions here. The sub-head reads:

Sox likely to improve; Cubs better but not good enough

Uh-oh...things sound bleak for my heroes. Let's go to the tape and see what those BP geeks have to say:

• The Sox, because of a series of off-season dealings, will rebound to 77-85 and third place in the American League Central, trailing the dominance of Cleveland and Detroit.

• The Cubs will follow their 85-victory NL Central championship with another division title, this time with a 91-71 record, second best in the National League but not enough to break their 100-year drought of winning the World Series.

Yes, there you have it, folks -- the eds at the Tower are quick to trumpet that the Sox will "improve" by five games and "rebound" to 77 wins (because of Kenny's brilliant wheeling and dealing). Meanwhile, the Cubs will schlep their way to 91 wins (without any off-season acquisitions, evidently) -- and while that six-game improvement is enough to be second-best in the league, it's just "not good enough."

To sum up, third place -- and an "improvement." Ninety wins -- sure, good enough to win the division, but ultimately a disappointment.

Tell me again about the bias, George...

** As you can imagine, whenever those pencil-necked stat geeks go after Chicago's favorites, the columnists are there, defending their own. Today, Big Mouth Morrissey cracks back on the BP predictions:

Computers have no use for heart, or least they can't quantify it. They can't analyze what's inside an athlete, for example. They can't tell you who has the heart of a lion or the backbone of an earthworm.

Imagine about 800 more words describing White Sox players as lions and Cubs players as worms, add a bizarre and unnecessary reference to Marie Osmond, and you've got yourself a column. Another triumph from the Tower of Ideas!

** Sully checks in with this medical update about Felix Pie. A few quick thoughts:

1. Not content to provide a Wikipedia link about Pie's "personal problem," Sully goes on to describe it in detail.
2. I'm no mind reader, but given Sully's admitted history, I'm betting he had a big smirk going when he heard about this.
3. Sully concludes his post with a plea for "no tasteless comments." Ummm...Sully...are you familiar with this Internet thing? And the people who usually troll the message boards?

** The March 5 issue of Baseball Weekly notes that "Josh Hamilton is causing quite a buzz in camp."

Given Hamilton's well-documented "personal problems," should we really use the term "buzz" to describe how he's doing?

** Prince Fielder is a vegetarian. Thankfully, bagels don't contain any meat.

** Will the usual suspects claim that this guy is better than A-Rod, too?

** Hey Ranger Fans -- at least it's just a minor league contract. There's hope Jon Daniels will come to his senses soon.

** I like Dusty Baker as a person. As a manager, I've found cause to disagree with him. Usually because he keeps talking about how he doesn't like it when his hitters take a free pass when it's offered...

** Finally, just a word of advice for the kids out there -- if you're bent because you got lit up on the mound, don't punch doors with your throwing hands...

I Loves Me Some Baseball, and I Loves Me Some House Oversight Committee

A Palatial "Thank You" to the writers at The Daily Show for nailing the Clemens hearings last week...

Laugh-out-loud line: "Either this man is dehydrated...or incredibly delicious."

Oh, and be sure to stick around to 6:50 in the video, when Jon Stewart explains why the GOP was so adamant in its defense of Clemens...

[Hey, look -- I'm figuring out how to use the internet tube thingies!]

About Time Someone Noticed

The Tribune had a blurb in the hard copy today where it finally admitted that new Tribune Corp. owner Sam Zell is a part owner of the Chicago White Sox.

That was the first time I'd ever seen that nugget printed in the paper. Can't seem to find a link for it, so maybe they're still trying to shove that knowledge down the memory hole.

I'm sure that any day now these yahoos will demand that the paper print a disclaimer every time they report on the White Sox. It's all about the ethics, you know...

Do What Now?

So I get that MLB is wanting to check out the umps a little more carefully because of the whole NBA-ref-gambling thing. But this is pretty extreme:

"The questions that we found out are being asked are about beating wives, marijuana use and extravagant parties," World Umpires Association president John Hirschbeck said in a telephone interview Wednesday. "And then finally with this whole thing about the Ku Klux Klan."

Just for the record, neither Jim nor I condone umpires (or anyone else) participating in domestic violence, illegal drug use, or the Klan.

But, jeez Louise...are they really worried the umps are up to their eyeballs in this stuff?

I think Ken Tremendous at FJM puts it best when he asks "F*** the heck?"

Missed It By That Much

ESPN's Howard Bryant nearly gets it right:

Angry denials on the part of Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association, which had condoned a decade-long drug culture, marked the hearing on March 17, 2005. These gave way to a very different mood Tuedsay. Selig and Fehr looked beaten, weary of the subterfuge.

This time, there were no subpoenas or confrontations, no threats that Congress ultimately would oversee baseball's drug-testing program or torpedo its anti-trust exemption. There was simply the public acknowledgement by the two most influential men in the sport that their game had gone awry with them at the controls. It was an obvious, but powerful and unprecedented, moment. Anyone looking for fireworks would have been disappointed. In the larger scope, Congress received its victory by forcing Selig to abandon his former positions and by taking the teeth out of Fehr's usually sharp rhetoric. That left Selig and Fehr where Congress has long wanted them: accepting responsibility for their considerable roles in allowing performance-enhancing drugs to define the 13 years that followed the 1994 players strike.

When Rep. Mark Souder, R-Ind., asked if they felt they had been complicit in the steroids era, Selig and Fehr answered softly in the affirmative, and this game of running from the truth was at last over.

So close! And yet, so far...

Selig and Fehr may have stopped running from the truth. But that leaves two complicit parties to the Steroid Era who have yet to admit their part in the shameful proceedings.

One is our baseball media. The other is us, the fans. Real-time reporting shows that both groups thought Lenny Dykstra and Ken Caminiti and Big Mac and Sammy and the rest of that crew were just ducky back in the day. Let's stop "running" from that truth, 'fess up, and get on with the game we love.

Taking Care of Business

Good to see Congress getting down to the nitty-gritty and diving into the business of running our great nation...

...Oh, wait. They're just making a big show about steroids in baseball. Never mind.

Baseball Like It Oughtta Be!

Here in beautiful south-central Wisconsin, the local home-town team is the Northwoods League's Madison Mallards. For those of you unfamiliar with the league and the team, the NWL is a summer league for college players to get more playing time (and to get experience with wooden bats, which has led to some 1906-like league slugging averages).

You may remember Ryan Spilborghs from the 2007 World Series. He is the most famous Mallard alumni.

Because these kids want to keep their NCAA eligibility, they don't get paid. And so, in an effort to pander to the "these damned players make too damned much money" crowd, the team's marketing slogan was Baseball Like It Oughtta Be!

Because those kids played just for the love of the game, not because they were trying to get drafted by a big-league team and make too damned much money, don'tcha know.

Anyway, it looks like the Mallards are moving away from Baseball Like It Oughtta Be and into Baseball Like It Rather Depressingly Is in Real Life.

The Mallards play their games at Warner Park, which hosted the legendary Madison Muskies back in the day. Unfortunately, a lot of the park still dated back to the Pleistocene Era...errrrr...mid-eighties. So the Mallards are doing what every baseball team does at some point: demanding a new stadium!

OK, not a new stadium. Just a bunch of renovations of the current yard. However, the plan has run into a few snags.

The latest plans are projected to cost $5.6 million, a mere $1.6 million more than what was originally figured. No one knows where this extra money is going to come from.

And to top things off, the city and all the various commissions involved need to sign off on the project this month in order for it to be completed in time for the 2009 season. Of course, that has annoyed some of the alders and concerned citizens. For some reason they think the public needs to be involved in the discussion of how to spend the public's money.

Now the Mallards are saying that the renovation needs to be done for 2009, because the existing bleachers won't be safe after 2008:

Mallards General Manager Vern Stenman is not so sure that the Mallards can continue if the project is delayed another year.

In 2004, an engineering consultant to the city, which owns the stadium and leases it to the Mallards, determined that the existing bleachers can only continue to be used safely through the 2008 season. The consultant estimated replacing the bleachers would cost $800,000, which went into the city capital budget and is the only amount the city has so far agreed to put directly toward the project. The remaining $1.2 million of the city's share of the original $4 million project was going to be a loan the city took out on behalf of the Mallards.

"I've been working with these bleachers every day for seven years. It's time to replace them," Stenman said today.

Schumacher said he wants the bleachers looked at again by a professional to see if they really must be replaced before the 2009 season starts.

Neither Rhodes-Conway nor Mayor Dave Cieslewicz's spokesman, George Twigg, commented on the need for a new study of the bleachers, but Twigg said "the bleachers are close to the end of their useful life. They do need to be taken care of. All the issues are intertwined -- the schedule, the finances and everything."

Dodgy stadium financing, veiled threats from the team...gosh, it's like I've got a real-live Major Leaegue Baseball team right here in my backyard!

A Real Prince

Brewer Fan has something else to worry about...

Prince Fielder is appealing the three-game suspension that was handed down by the commissioner's office Wednesday, allowing him to remain in the Milwaukee Brewers'
lineup until his appeal is heard.

Fielder was suspended and fined an undisclosed amount for "inappropriate and aggressive conduct"...

Really? Prince?? "Inappropriate and aggressive?" That doesn't sound like the Fielder we all know and love. Let's read on, shall we?

...during a confrontation with plate umpire Wally Bell on Sunday, when the Brewers lost 6-4 at Houston. The first baseman was ejected after arguing a called third strike and had to be restrained by bench coach Dale Sveum.

Oh. That explains it. Wally Bell -- the younger, less rotund version of Country Joe West. I'm sure Bell handled the situation like a professional, and did nothing to exacerbate the situation.

And here's one from the TMI file:

"We're both over 250 pounds, so if our stomachs touch, that's going to happen,"
Fielder said.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

On the plus side, at least Prince didn't go all Jose Offerman. Come on, Jose -- it's an Atlantic League game! I respect your desire to keep the Major League dream alive, but honestly...isn't the Atlantic League about two steps up from rec league softball?

I'm Going to Hell

** WARNING: Cheap Shot Ahead **

Hancock, LaRussa, now Spiezio...What is it about Saint Louis that drives people to substance abuse?

** Cheap Shot Warning Expired. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. **

They Write Letters

The sports eds at Tribune Tower must be having some difficulties filling their Saturday letters to the editor page. Why else would they print this missive from a reader who takes exception to Mike Downey's cryfest:

CHICAGO -- Mike Downey points out that athletes are given multiple breaks after they break the law or team rules (Tribune, July 12). Then he whines that those in the media seem to be judged more harshly. Welcome aboard the Obvious Express, Mike.

Athletes are entertainers. What they do for a living isn't critical to many people's lives. Someone needs to remind Mr. Downey that the media, at least theoretically, has a higher calling.

Therefore, as with a cop gone bad, the punishment for breaking this public trust needs to be severe.

-- G-- T--

Well said, Mr. T. I wish I had thought of it first...

With the Cubs playing well, and White Sox Fan in hiding, the eds can't rely on inane letters about how crummy the Cubs are to fill their precious column inches. Fortunately, they get plenty of inane letters about Barry Bonds to take up the slack. Like this one from Park Ridge's K.W.:

While many await Barry Bonds' big day to outhit Henry Aaron, no matter how you
slice it, Babe Ruth will always be remembered as the home run king of baseball. He did it best, and he did it faster. Why not compare apples to apples? Ruth not only hit them out of the park, he also pitched. Can't say that for Bonds.

Yes, Ms. W. -- let's compare apples to apples! But if we're going to compare Bonds and Ruth as home run sluggers (the apples, if you will), how does Babe's pitching prowess enter the equation? It would seem to be more of an orange than an apple.

Ah, well -- if life hands you apples and oranges, make a delicious fruit salad, I always say. Thank you, Tribune editors, for once again brightening my Saturday morning with your ever-fruity selection of reader mail!

Watch for Falling Fans

What is it with New York?

First there was this at Shea. And now the Yankees get in on act.

Perhaps the New York stadiums should equip their seats with air bags...

Oops

Neifi Perez busted for popping greenies? And for the second time, since the twenty-five game suspension only kicks in on the second offense.

Geez, it's bad enough he's a lousy player. But to be dumb enough to flunk the pee test twice kicks him up to a whole new level of incompetence...

BALCO Leaker Could Get 33 Months in the Hole

At least there's still some part of the justice system where leaking confidential information is still considered a crime. Although I suppose the precedent has been set that 33 months is "excessive" and commute the sentence...

Who Will Think of the Children?

Sully reported this while I was out of the country:

A group from the Brains and Baseball Camp at Chicago City Day School, which teaches kids reading and writing skills by having them read Cubs stories in the
Tribune, attended Thursday's game.

Those poor kids. What will they learn from reading Sully’s stuff, aside from smirks and snark? If the school really wanted them to learn writing skills, it should have them read White Sox beat writer Mark Gonzales’ reports…