Stay Classy, White Sox Fans

File this one under "Why Am I Not Surprised?"

This Is Wrong on So Many Levels...

...but I have to admit that I'm enough of a jerk to have laughed a little. OK, a lot...

Jeebus Help Me

I considered not blogging about this, because I'm making a more concerted effort to stay positive and not carp on every little thing that annoys me. But I'm weak, so you get a poorly-constructed blog entry about the latest piece of sh$t to spew from the Tower.

Jim's already compared Mike Downey to the drunk guy two barstools down from you at the Copper Grid (or your favorite dive bar).

Downey's done nothing to dissuade me from the veracity of Jim's take with his missive from a few days ago. Gentle Reader, if you are of stout heart and have a super-human tolerance for crap (and you must, since you're still reading this) click this link for what might be the most embarassing thing ever published by the same paper that once employed Ring Lardner, Mike Royko, and Jerome Holtzman. Well, most embarassing thing this month, that is.

In an effort to explain how this kind of drivel makes its way into print, I will employ the same pseudo-clever, fake Q-and-A format Downey used in the ten minutes it took him to write this sorry-ass excuse for a column. Hey, if it's good enough for a Hall of Fame-ballot-totin' columnist at a major metropolitan daily, it's good enough for some guy in his basement...

So, Mike, are you pleased with how that Clemens piece came out?

Hell, yeah! Knocked it out of the park!

Why the Q-and-A format? And why the know-it-all tone, which served only to insult both your subject matter and your audience?

The answer to both is that I'm incredibly lazy and didn't feel like making an effort. My boss told me I had to fill 600 words. And, by God, I did!

Fair enough. This question is for you, Mike Kellams. You are editor of the Tribune's sports section. How could you wave this steaming pile into print?

Well, I'm incredibly lazy, too. And I didn't feel like making an effort to make Mike make an effort. It was either print Mike's piece or have a big chunk of white space on the front page of the sports section.

Jeebus help me, you lot make me sick. How do you sleep at night?

Like babies.

Fish in a Dixie Cup

I've beaten this dead horse before, but Dr. Phil just won't let his batshit-insane plus/minus system die the quiet death it deserves.

In a post on the Tribune's blog, Dr. Phil defends himself against the slings and arrows of the readers:

When I wrote about this the first time, I tried to explain that it was just one way to evaluate the ebb and flow of talent, not to judge an off-season. There are two ways for teams to improve: through the addition or development of young talent (always the best way, assuming you have talented young players) and with veteran players. This only looks at veteran players, not the entire picture. One of Tuesday's posts correctly points out that the system I'm using would count Alex Rodriguez and David Eckstein equally. That's why I called it a very simple system.

And the reason your "simple system" counts Alex Rodriguez as the equal of David Eckstein is why I and Jim have called this a stupid system.

In typical fashion, Dr. Phil goes on to try to defend his "analysis" by digging up two of his favorite off-season scripts. First:

...raise your hand if you knew 102 players would drive in more runs than Alfonso Soriano last year, including Brandon Phillips, Bengie Molina, Mark Ellis, Jack Cust, Curtis Granderson and Mark DeRosa...

And then:

This time around, it's easy to get excited about the Cubs adding Kosuke Fukudome, but it shouldn't be forgotten that they have subtracted Jacque Jones, Cliff Floyd and Jason Kendall, who did make contributions in 2007.

It seems to me the plus-minus does a decent job of showing the White Sox have improved more than the Cubs, even while missing out on Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera (they lose only Jon Garland among their most significant players and add Orlando Cabrera, Nick Swisher, Scott Linebrink and Octavio Dotel).

Once again, that evil Tribune bias is at work. The Cubs are dumb, stupid, no-goodniks for letting great players like Jacque and Jason and Cliff go. And they didn't get no one good back for them guys! Meanwhile, that swell Kenny Williams is a genius because of all his great pick ups.

And, if you didn't already realize that Dr. Phil has no idea what he's talking about, he drives the point home by criticizing a leadoff hitter because he doesn't drive in runs. Sadly, that reminds me of the guy who said that Goose Gossage isn't a Hall of Famer because of his paltry career win total.

By the way, did you know that 126 players had a higher OPS than Orlando Cabrera last year, including such stalwarts as Jose Bautista, Ty Wiggington, Curtis Granderson, and that no-good worthless bum Alfonso Soriano? And that most sane people think that OPS is a more viable method of analyzing the game than some half-witted plus/minus system?

Click on the link, if only to read the comments from the peanut gallery. Some good stuff there, too. Better than I could come up with., to be honest. And, in true Trib bias fashion, that last comment (as of this writing) is from White Sox Fan calling Cub Fans stupid. Ah, the bias. I'll miss it when the team finally gets sold...

A Real Prince

Brewer Fan has something else to worry about...

Prince Fielder is appealing the three-game suspension that was handed down by the commissioner's office Wednesday, allowing him to remain in the Milwaukee Brewers'
lineup until his appeal is heard.

Fielder was suspended and fined an undisclosed amount for "inappropriate and aggressive conduct"...

Really? Prince?? "Inappropriate and aggressive?" That doesn't sound like the Fielder we all know and love. Let's read on, shall we?

...during a confrontation with plate umpire Wally Bell on Sunday, when the Brewers lost 6-4 at Houston. The first baseman was ejected after arguing a called third strike and had to be restrained by bench coach Dale Sveum.

Oh. That explains it. Wally Bell -- the younger, less rotund version of Country Joe West. I'm sure Bell handled the situation like a professional, and did nothing to exacerbate the situation.

And here's one from the TMI file:

"We're both over 250 pounds, so if our stomachs touch, that's going to happen,"
Fielder said.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

On the plus side, at least Prince didn't go all Jose Offerman. Come on, Jose -- it's an Atlantic League game! I respect your desire to keep the Major League dream alive, but honestly...isn't the Atlantic League about two steps up from rec league softball?

Cut His Mike

For some reason, the Trib's Fred Mitchell thinks we care what Milo Hamilton has to say about the TV broadcasters' call of Barry Bonds' record-setting home run.

Just in case you do care, you won't be surprised to hear that he doesn't think much of them:

I don't think the call[s] [of Bonds' homer Tuesday] night will last 33 years.

Just to put Hamilton in perspective: Steve Stone thought he was a pompous blowhard. And Stone should know.

On another announcing front, you may recall last week that Vin Scully was all worried about the "awkwardness" of calling Barry Bonds' 756th.

Earlier today, another Vin Scully moment popped unbidden into my mind. Today, Scully, of course, is disturbed by the spectre of steroids. Was he disturbed by the "awkwardness" back when Big Mac and Sammy were "saving" the game back in 1998?

Let's go to the archives and find out! This is courtesy of Baseball Weekly's Bob Nightengale (12 August 1998):

[B]ut before baseball gets completely giddy, there is a possible glitch to all of this madness.

What happens if two players, such as McGwire and Griffey, break Maris’ record? What if there’s a third, such as Sosa? How about a fourth or fifth, if Greg Vaughn and Vinny Castilla get hot?

Just what happens then?

“I don’t care who breaks it,” Hall of Fame broadcaster Vin Scully says, “as long as only one person breaks it.

“It would taint the record if more than one person breaks it.”

I've no wise or pithy summary for that. Compare and contrast, I guess...

Call the Waaaah-mbulance

Shorter Mike Downey: It's just not fair that reporters get fired for making up stories, enjoying pool parties with their sources, and calling young women prostitutes! After all, athletes get in fights in the dugout, cork their bats, and call other reporters f@gg*t and they don't get fired.

This post is only tangentially about baseball, but it's a great example of how your press corps works. Downey's column nominally expresses outrage that these pampered athletes get away with murder ("or at least assault," he waggishly says), while "Average Joes" get canned for much lesser offenses.

His case would be more persuasive if he spent some time talking about those "Average Joes." Instead, every one of his examples was a print or broadcast journalist whose transgressions were on par with the sins of those privileged athletes.

And Downey goes on to claim that famed New York Times fiction correspondent Jayson Blair isn't any worse than Corky Sosa and that Ozzie's homophobic slur was just as bad as Don Imus' wacky brand of racist, sexist "humor."

Perhaps most incredibly, Downey is shocked that a TV news reporter covering a local woman's disappearance can't chill by the pool with said woman's husband (who, it turns out, is a person of interest in the police inquiries) without generating a Vortex of Armageddon™ at the same time bad, evil, naughty Carlos Zambrano gets away scot-free after punching out his catcher.

Are athletes given breaks that the rest of us mere mortals aren't offered? Of course. And so are the journamalists Downey defends in his self-serving piece.

But Downey isn't interested in telling us about the perks he and his cohort enjoy. Neither is he interested in the "Average Joes" he panders to. He just wants them to undersand how unfair the world is.

Don, Jayson, and Amy got canned -- but Sammy, Carlos, and Ozzie got to keep their gig. What a world, what a world!

Clemens to Start in Chicago

Looks like the White Sox get to be ESPN. No, I haven't seen it on the schedule yet. But do you think that the guys in Bristol will be able to help keep themselves away from the Most Important Start of the Year?

Much Ado About Nothing

Give credit where it’s due: the Chicago media is great at ginning up controversies where there are none.

Like Sully’s claim that some White Sox players are “getting tired” of Saint A.J.’s antics:

Pitcher Mark Buehrle said Pierzynski's remarks to North showed little respect to backup catcher Toby Hall.

"I think it is disrespecting Toby," Buehrle said before Sunday's game. "It's kind of saying: 'You can't do your job.' I don't see where he has to be in there just because it's a big rivalry. That doesn't matter. He needs a day off. Whether it's against the Cubs or anyone else, he needs a day off."

Buehrle was not surprised that Pierzynski was putting himself ahead of his team with his public griping, putting Guillen in a tough spot.

"It's just A.J.," Buehrle said. "Everything I keep hearing is 'Oh, A.J. is not in the lineup. He's a big part of this team and with the big rivalry, and with him being such a part of it because Cubs fans don't like him … ' We don't look at it that way. And I'm sure Cubs fans don't care if he plays.

"He can't play every game. Yeah, it's a big series, but that's why we signed Toby—to play against [selected left-handers]."

Buehrle believes Pierzynski enjoys playing the role of the villain at Wrigley Field because he craves the attention.

For those who didn’t follow every moment of the Cubs/White Sox series, here is what the Saint said on a radio program that prompted Buerhle’s rebuke and a profanity-laden tired from Ozzie Guillen:

I don't make the lineup and Ozzie has the ultimate decision. It's his decision. I'm not going to go in there and complain. … I'm just going to do what I'm asked to do. Of course it's frustrating and of course I'm disappointed. It's the Cubs-Sox and it's fun. It's what it's all about.

As the kids say: Oh…snap? More like what Gertrude Stein said about Oakland: There’s no there there.

That was pretty rational for the Saint. The guy wants to play (nothing wrong with that), but this wasn’t a full-on tantrum. At least not enough to make a sane person think the guy was dissing a teammate. I’d like to know how the reporters posed the question to get Buerhle’s reaction.

Buerhle later blew the “controversy” off as a misunderstanding, which it most likely was. He can still be friends with his catcher while disagreeing with him, or thinking that he runs off at the mouth too much. That’s how a lot of adult relationships work.

Maybe some White Sox are weary of Saint A.J.’s shenanigans. But does this tempest in a teapot have enough weight to be the straw that broke the camel’s back?

I doubt it. But anywhere there’s a camel’s back, you can be sure to find the media, ready to pile on.

Oh, Snap!

Sometimes, it's nice to see that you're not the only person who feels the way you do. Jim and I have long felt that Roger Clemens' retirement/un-retirement antics are shameful, selfish, and, ultimately, counter-productive to his chosen team's chances of winning the World Series.

Today, I saw this from ESPN's Scoop Jackson:

He's a self-absorbed, beyond-arrogant, bigger-than-the-game, I-have-no-respect-or-honor-for-the-concept-of-team, I-only-pitch-when-I-feel-like-it, any-team-should-feel-blessed-to-have-me, Randy-Johnson-will-never-be-on-my-level, the-world-revolves-around-me, kiss-the-ground-I walk-on, worship-who-I-am-because-I-am-the-me-myself-and-I-in-MLB pimp.

But again, my problem is not with Roger, it's with us. The media cowards. Because all of us, for too long now, have looked past all of this and validated what I've said my whole life: "Pimpin' ain't easy, the media is just scared."

That just might be the greatest thing I've read today -- a media guy who corroborates my feelings about both Clemens and the media...

Don't Let the Door Hit You...

If anybody out there is looking for a guy with a 6.93 ERA, call Terry Ryan immediately.

They Write Letters

A recent survey found that most white folks don’t think the negative perception of Barry Bonds has anything to do with race. On the other hand, most of our African-American brethren believe the opposite.

The subjects of Barry Bonds and race are prime fodder for the boneheads on sports talk radio and indignant letter writers. The eds at the Tribune Tower do not disappoint, selecting this letter from Chicago’s William P. Gottschalk for publication:

Allegations…that aversion to Barry Bonds and disinterest in, and/or disgust with, his likely successful assault on Henry Aaron’s home run record are racially motivated are outrageous and irresponsible.

Any objective and honest study would find equal disdain for Sammy Sosa, who at last look is Hispanic, and for Mark McGwire, who certainly seems to be white. Pete Rose, who is banned from baseball and thus ineligible for the Hall of Fame, is also white.

The conclusion is that we do not respect, and will not honor, cheaters and liars, regardless of race, creed, or color. Barry Bonds’ limited number of supporters are merely cloaking themselves in the mantle of racism in order to try to cloud the real issue, which is that, despite all his talent, he has cheated and lessened the game.

As long as we’re being objective and honest, let’s look at how the players Mr. G references before the drug and gambling scandals caught up with them:

Before he charmed the world with his 66 homers and Pepsi adverts, Sammy Sosa was not the beloved cartoon character he turned into. When he was a member of the White Sox, many pundits considered him an uncoachable malcontent. He took a lot of criticism (some deserved, some not) during his first six years as a Cub for being a selfish player who torpedoed the Cubs’ chances to win with his desire to pad his own stats.

McGwire was an all-American hero who led the A’s to three consecutive World Series appearances. When the andro was found in his locker, hordes of people leapt to his defense, outraged that anyone would dare taint his awesome assault on the record book.

Jim and I have vowed not to mention Charlie Hustler, so I’ll make this as brief as possible. The Hustler claimed his innocence for nearly twenty years. That fraud was swallowed hook, line, and sinker by thousands of fans and journamalists. Right up until the time he admitted that he had been lying.

Finally, I remember Bonds bashing as far back as 1990, during the Pirates’ last period of excellence. The scripts about Bonds’ surly, selfish ways got their start back then. Also making the rounds – whispers of his unsavory actions in college, as further explored by Jeff Pearlman and others. There were some people who swore on a stack of Bibles that Bobby Bonilla was a much, much better player than Bonds (no, that last bit is not relevant to the topic, but it’s always amazed me).

If you’re scoring at home, that’s two white guys who got the benefit of the doubt, and two not-white guys who were treated with “aversion, disinterest, and/or disgust.” Bonds and Sosa were taking heat long before they began bashing at home run records.

It certainly could just be coincidence. This is not even close to being a rigorous study of public attitudes towards these four players. And there have been white players lambasted for being selfish jerks, just as there have been black players lauded for their achievements.

But as much as we like to pretend, our society is not color-blind (recent debates over whether Barack Obama is “black enough” to connect with black voters is the latest example of that). It is disingenuous to say that race has absolutely nothing to do with Bonds’ issues. Just as it is disingenuous to say that race has absolutely everything to with them.

Will Wonders Ever Cease?

It’s not often I say this…or even want to admit this…but I have to agree with David Wells:

"Roger might set the tone for the 40-and-above guys," Wells said of his former Yankee teammate. "Hey, I might do it. He's a smart businessman."

In the next breath, however, the hefty lefty caught himself. No, the 231-game winner said, he couldn't follow the Clemens plan after all.

It's not just that Wells turns 44 in two weeks or that he was recently diagnosed with
diabetes. It has more to do with the ballplayer's code that requires you to show up day after day throughout the endless grind.

"I don't think I would ever do it because of the fact I personally think it would disrespect the team and your teammates," Wells said. "You look at the other players. How are they going to respect you? What are they going to think if you're not there
pulling for the team?"

Jim has mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: everybody loves the Rocket, and his little perks about not traveling with the team and (allegedly) not showing up at the yard when he didn’t feel like it. But would the fans and the media be as accepting if some other player got the same perks? Somehow, I doubt it.

Yankee Goes Home

On the plus side, at least we won't be treated to the endless speculation of "Where will he go?" this year.

On the minus side, we will have to listen to all the gab about how great it is that he's back in pinstripes...

Tempest in a Teapot

I'd ask why in God's name this non-story is considered big news, but I already know the answer...

Deal Him Out

The Cubs have been on the market for about a fortnight. To go with the speculation over who’s going to buy the team, we’re treated to speculation about who won’t buy the team.

Here’s Fox Sports’ Ken Rosenthal:

I've got a better chance of winning a Nobel Prize than Mark Cuban does of owning the Cubs.

The fix is in, and the Cubs aren't even on the market yet. The fix is in, just as it always is under commissioner Bud Selig when a club is sold.

The Cubs' next ownership group will feature an MLB insider, or someone connected to an MLB insider, or someone who used to be an MLB insider and wants back in.

It sure as heck won't be the maverick Cuban, who would be about as welcome at an MLB owners' meeting as Brad Pitt would be at an Aniston family reunion.

How do we know?

Because Jerry Reinsdorf, the White Sox's influential owner, tells us so.

Reinsdorf, who also owns the Chicago Bulls, hinted to the Chicago Tribune that he would work against Cuban, his fellow NBA owner.

"It is a matter of public record that when Cuban was approved to buy the Dallas Mavericks, the vote was 29-1," Reinsdorf said.

Is it too much to hope that MLB owners wait for people to actually express interest in buying a team before they start bad-mouthing them? I guess it is…

Bravo for Life’s Little Ironies, Part Seventy-Eight

A few years ago, Steve Stone’s departure from WGN TV’s Cubs telecasts was hastened by a childish, unprofessional hissy fit he threw on the air in an attempt to make Dusty Baker look bad.

After turning down the Cubs’ request to return (not fired, as many Cub Fans seem to believe), he latched on with ESPN as one of their second- or third-string broadcast teams.

But MLB’s new TV deal means that ESPN will not show as many games as it used to. Long story short, Stoney got cut loose this year.

Even though the broadcast teams were scaled back, ESPN was still on the lookout for new analysts for Baseball Tonight and select games. I mean, if John Kruk can do it, anybody can, right?

One of the new hires: Dusty Baker.

I, for one, find that darkly amusing…

Classy

It's been about three hours since the Cubs and White Sox finished their openers.

Time enough for the folks at Chicago Sports.com to put this poll question on the site:

Who stunk more today?
18.7% Cubs (261 responses)
81.3% Sox (1133 responses)

Classy works, guys. Do they teach that kind of stuff at j-school?

Big Mouth Strikes Again

Shorter Rick Morrissey: Hey, rubes!

Shorter Baron Budhausen

With all the competitive balance we've got nowadays, everything's hunky-dory for MLB. And all the revenue-sharing has money pouring into the coffers of teams like the Twins, Expos, and Marlins. But despite of all that revenue-sharing money, there's no way those teams can survive without taxpayer-funded stadiums.