Tragedy Plus Time Equals Comedy

Dr. Phil isn't spending all time playing "what if" games about Curtis Granderson.  He's also hard at work rehabilitating Dusty Baker's reputation:

With Dusty Baker in charge of the 2003 Cubs, Kerry Wood led the majors in pitches and Mark Prior led in pitches per start. Prior did this despite only turning 23 that September. Some are now questioning whether Baker retard the development of Cuban phenom Aroldis Chapman. But that question can only be answered with another question -- how good is the Cincinnati bullpen? The Cubs' bullpen was brutal in '03, as was shown clearly post-Bartman. Baker's burning desire to win demands a deep bullpen.

This is hilarious on so many levels.  Those of us who were (a) sentient and (2) paying attention to the coverage of your 2003 and 2004 Chicago Cubs would have noticed many members of the Chicago media pimping these talking points about Baker as the absolute, honest-to-God truth:

• Dusty ruined the careers of Wood and Prior by running them into the ground.
• Dusty cannot manage a bullpen. If he did, the bullpen wouldn't suck so much.
• Dusty's desire to be liked by his players trumps everything else. If he were serious about winning, he'd crack back on them and make them stop saying mean things about Steve Stone and Sully.

Well, that was a lifetime ago, wasn't it?  Dr. Phil has spent most of the spring talking about Dusty and what a great shot he has of winning the Central this year.

The scripts about wristbands, toothpicks, and Dusty's prediliction to use the word "dude" in casual conversation are all forgotten in the stampede to talk about D-Bake's "burning desire to win."

I used to think it was only Cubs players who became superstars the moment they moved to another team. (Check your archives for the Trib's coverage of Eric Hinske, Todd Wellemyer, Sergio Mitre, and Jake Fox. Or, more recently, Milton Bradley.)

Apparently, the leaving-the-Cubs magic also rubs off on managers.  Perhaps if the Nationals get off to a decent start, Dr. Phil will drop his criticisms of Jim Riggelman down the memory hole too.

And I Want a Pony, Too!

Dr. Phil bemoans the fact that the Tigers traded center fielder Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, not the Cubs.

Impressively, Dr. Phil behaves as a semi-responsible journamalist by acknowledging that perhaps Hendry couldn't pull off the deal because the Cubs don't have players the Tigers wanted.  Will wonders ever cease?

How different would life have been if he had wound up playing for his hometown team?

Granderson pondered that question for a long time this offseason. It could have been a beautiful marriage — in my opinion, one of the best things that might have happened to the Cubs both because of his skill set as a power-speed hitter and plus fielding and his off-the-charts intangibles.

Cubs general manager Jim Hendry worked to make that happen but couldn't force an unnatural fit with the Tigers, who were looking for parts that weren't in the Cubs' inventory. He settled for signing the right-handed-hitting Marlon Byrd instead, a move born of need, not inspiration.

It was Granderson he really wanted.

"Jim did want to get a deal done,'' Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski said. "But if we were going to trade Curtis and [starter] Edwin Jackson, we had to get back players who could help in the major leagues now. The Cubs had players we liked but they weren't the kind that were ready, and that was the kind we had to have.''

That's better than Dr. Phil has done in the past.  In times past, Dr. Phil would have been happy to brush off his "Boy, that Hendry is an idiot for not making this trade" script and called it a day.

Other ways life would be different, if only Hendry could pull off a trade or two:

• DNA technology could clone Babe Ruth, Walter Johnson, and Honus Wagner. Just think how awesome the Cubs would be with those three guys!
• We could trade a few prospects to the guys and Ben and Jerrys in exchange for magical chocolate and peanut butter ice cream, the kind that you can eat as much as you wanted without getting fat.  Good for me personally, and good to help Carlos Silva from becoming the Cubs' version of Bobby Jenks.
• Ponies for everyone!  Woooo!

One other thing...Dr. Phil. mentions Granderson's "hometown team."  As I've been reminded several bajillion times, there are two teams in Chicago.  Would trading for Granderson be "one of the better things" to happen to the White Sox?

Whaddya say, Dr. Phil?

In Alex Rios, Juan Pierre and a rejuventated [Andruw] Jones, [Ozzie] Guillen would have himself three center fielders -- four if you count Mark Kotsay, a regular there as recently as 2008 for the Braves.

Certainly no need for a "power-speed hitter" with "plus fielding and off-the-charts intangibles" when you've got that quartet of center field excellence.

It's Especially Tricky the Way It Works

Time for another round of that famed Sesame Street game "One of These Things Is Not Like the Others!"

Here's the Chicago Tribune's Mark Gonzalez:

It was more than just a 3.71 ERA that White Sox closer Bobby Jenks needed to trim.


For Jenks, the bigger transformation involved his diet habits in an effort to change his daily life and enhance his baseball longevity.

"Honestly, it was a lot of everything," the 6-foot-4 Jenks said of the alterations he made to drop his weight to 275 pounds. "Not drinking helps. But really it was a lifestyle choice I wanted to make — not just for myself but for my family.

Really, the drinking part was hard. But once you did it, it was easy."

[snip]
The Sox's front office has been delighted at the way Jenks, 29, has responded. Four springs ago, following his breakout rookie season, Jenks reported to camp noticeably overweight and had to spend extra time with conditioning director Allen Thomas.

"In the past we've had to do two things — we had to get him in shape and his arm in shape," pitching coach Don Cooper said. "Right now it's just the arm because his body is in shape. It's great to see Bobby taking more responsibility and control of his career and life."

Jenks pitched through the 2005 postseason with a sore hip but managed to stay healthy until 2008, when he experienced discomfort behind his left shoulder blade. Last year he was sidelined because of kidney stones and missed the final 10 games because of a right calf strain.

As a result, Jenks embarked on measures to strengthen the shoulders, back and legs. He has also cut down on non-healthy food.

"Everyone knows not to eat certain things that aren't good for you, and the hard part is actually going to do it," Jenks said.

Good for Jenks.  As a guy who has made similar changes to his lifestyle, I appreciate how difficult it can be. But it's worth it.
 
Dr. Phil has another heart-warming story of a guy who's worked himself into shape:

Consider the highly motivated Andruw Jones. He arrived at the White Sox camp early and sassy, at one point calling himself the best center fielder on the property.

That seems unlikely, as Jones was only moderately adequate in the outfield for Texas last season. But the man has won 10 Gold Gloves and came to Glendale in good shape (minus the spare tire he packed in the last season or two of his 12-year stay in Atlanta). He's expected to get most of his playing time as part of a DH platoon, but if he could play well in the outfield he will give Ozzie Guillen a chance to use Carlos Quentin as the DH, lessening the chance he will have a recurrence of plantar fasciitis.

Ooohhhh...sassy! I like it!

And finally, it's our old buddy Sully, talkin' about the Cub's formerly pudgy catcher.  These are the first two paragraphs of his story:

After losing 40 pounds during the offseason, Geovany Soto looks like an air-brushed impression of his old self.

But losing weight means being under suspicion in the modern age. Soto laughed Tuesday when asked about talk show speculation he had been using performance-enhancing drugs.

"To me, (the rumors are) kind of ridiculous," Soto said. "I wasn't strong. I was just fat."

Sully shows superb self-restraint -- he waited almost two dozen words before he brought up the "speculation" that Geo's been doping!

To sum up:  the first thing we hear about Jenks is how he did "a lot of everything" to drop down to a sub-Fielder weight.  The first thing we hear about Jones is how he's "highly motivated."

And the first thing we hear about Soto is he's "air-brushed" (i.e., fake) and "under suspicion" for juicing.

So...which thing is not like the others?  The Soto piece, of course!

It's just another example of that damnable Tribune bias in favor of the Cubs.

A Firm Grasp of the Obvious

Dave van Dyck has a firm grasp of the obvious:

[Sean] Marshall and [Tom] Gorzelanny are left-handed, as is [Ted] Lilly. Other than those three, the Cubs' rotation would be all right-handed with Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster and Randy Wells.

To sum up:  except for the lefties who may be in the rotation, the Cubs' rotation will be all right-handed.

Damn.  I was hoping to see Carlos throw with his feet this year...

Time to Dust Off an Old Story

Of course Cardinal Fan is going to forgive Mark McGwire.  No surprise there.

But, as always seems to be the case when the media discusses McGwire, Sosa, steroids, et al, they bury the lede. According to the AP's Jim Salter:

It was a season [1998] that many said helped baseball finally recover from the damage caused by the 1994 labor dispute that forced cancellation of the World Series. Congress honored McGwire and Sosa. Interstate 70 through St. Louis was dubbed "Mark McGwire Highway."

Even then, there were whispers. McGwire admitted in 1998 that he used androstenedione, an over-the-counter muscle enhancer banned by the NFL, IOC and others. But it was his evasive testimony at the congressional hearing four years ago that seemed to sour many Cardinals fans. One of his questioners at the hearing, Rep. William Lacy Clay, D-Mo. and from St. Louis, said McGwire's name should be stripped from the highway signs.

The implication being that we all "knew" what was going on in '98. But all we got were whispers -- whispers that were whispered very softly so as not to offend anyone or cause people to think that Big Mac's heroic home run chase was anything short of heroic. Whispers no one took seriously until big scary Bonds tarnished the home run record.
 
We wrote about this years ago. And it seems like every so often I have to dust off that old chestnut and re-run it.
 
We may have "known" way back then that Mac and Sammy and others were 'roided up. Do we have the right to claim the moral high ground if we didn't say anything in real time?
 
One more note:  A few members of the media have said that the reason they could not say anything in real time is because they had no solid proof for their assertions.
 
Take a cursory glance at the number of trumped-up charges and flat-out lies about the Clintons and Al Gore  that the media gleefully distributed in the late '90s without a second thought about things like fact-checking. And then wonder why they were so squeamish about telling tales about steroids in baseball.

Mike Downey Makes Me Laugh

In a dark and mordant way, of course.

The highly estimable Trib columnist (and avowed White Sox Fan, for those of you who believe that sort of thing influences the coverage) used this weekend's washed-out games as an excuse to write another of his patently stupid pieces.

In a nutshell: Carlos Zambrano and Fukudome suck ass. Nick Swisher and Clayton Richard are the bees' knees.

Most amusing was this nugget o' joy. Don't you dare crack on Downey's boys:

Ozzie Guillen nevertheless has had his Sox in first place for more than 100 days. He continues to get criticized by people who seem to believe that being in first place for most of four or five months is easy as pie (and I don't mean Felix).

I even read a couple of days ago that the Sox are "unraveling." They are? When was that? The day they almost fell way down to second place?

It's a fair cop. But it also jogged something in my memory that led me back to the archives.

What was Downey saying back on 27 July? Why, he was carping about another team that was "unraveling:"

Well, you fun-loving, song-singing, "W"-flag-waving Cubs fans, you still feeling confident in the Confines? Did you see this coming?

Who knew?

Who knew before Saturday's 12-inning, 3-2 defeat at Wrigley Field that your team's customary "June Swoon" would turn out to be a July one instead?

According to the good folks at Baseball Reference.com, the Cubs were tied for first place with the Brewers heading into action on the 27th.

Sweet zombie Jesus! That's just like almost falling way down to second place!

Since then (again, according to the Baseball Reference.com folks), the Cubs are 28-14, even with their recent crappy streak.

For those of you scoring at home, that's a .667 winning percentage. Not that anyone at the Tower would tell you that. Or about Geo Soto winning the Rookie of the Month award (but that's another story).

Put Me In Coach

The Trib's Mike Downey takes a break from retyping his usual scripts about the evils of the Cubs, their organization, and their fans to laud his BFFs for their big trade today:

The Tribune, 9:36 a.m.: "Griffey headed to Sox."

Excellent news. I was stoked.

Oh, that Ken Williams, always something up his sleeve. If not an ace, then a king.

Ken Griffey Jr., in center field at the Cell?

A cause to rejoice -- set off the fireworks.

Uhhh...One wonders if Downey realizes Junior hasn't played center field since 2006. And wasn't particularly good at playing center field back then, either.

Oh, well. Set off the fireworks! Everyone gets a pony!

That Took Longer Than I Expected

Before I get into the meat of this post, let's have a little reminder of what Kenny said:

There's only one sports team in Chicago that will get a pass. I won't name them. But it ain't us.

Giving passes today is the Trib's Fred Mitchell. Take it away, Fred:

Tuesday's six-player swap with Oakland doesn't figure to render such historic ramifications. But there are no guarantees when young players are sent packing. The Cubs acquired talented but oft-injured right-hander Rich Harden and reliever Chad Gaudin in exchange for speedy infielder-outfielder Eric Patterson, promising young pitcher Sean Gallagher, serviceable outfielder Matt Murton and catching prospect Josh Donaldson.

Patterson has given no indication he might become another Brock. But Brock, then 25, was hitting only .251 with two homers in 52 games in 1964 when the Cubs dealt him. Patterson, also 25, hit .239 with one homer in 20 games with the Cubs.

No, Patterson has given no indications that he's anywhere near as good as Brock. But let's make the Brock-for-Broglio comparison anyway.

Just another way that damned Chicago media gives the non-White Sox team a pass...

Cheap Shots and Shameful Behavior

It's been a shameful week so far at the Tribune Tower, as two of the company's star columnists engaged in some pretty disgraceful behavior.

First, Big Mouth Morrissey took it upon himself to get Ozzie Guillen to respond to his insulting, anonymously-send e-mail. At the end of the day, Big Mouth is man enough to tell Ozzie he's the guy who's been sending the insulting e-mails. But still -- why in God's name would anyone do that?

Let alone an allegedly professional journalist?

This little escapade doesn't quite reach these heights in terms of outright ignominity. But it comes close.

Meanwhile, Dr. Phil gives us his take on the Brewer's trade for Captain Cheeseburger and the Cubs' move to pick up Rich Harden. True to form, in Dr. Phil's world everything is sunshine and lollipops for the Brew Crew, and doom and gloom for the Cubs.

Buried towards the end of the piece is this little nugget of joy:

Another scout said he did not view Harden as the next best pitcher available after Sabathia because of "makeup" and health questions. He said Harden, who had spent months rehabilitating from a strained shoulder, declined to make starts last September because the A's were out of the race.

If true, that's positively Prioriffic.

Well played, sir! A definite two-fer for the mediocre Doctor! Getting the boot in on Harden and Prior at the same time...not everyone can pull that off. It takes some real talent.

A couple thoughts on the cheap shot(s):

1. If true (and that's a big if, considering all we have to go on is the word of an anonymous scout who's already on the record as being anti-Harden and is probably not a world-class clairvoyant able to read Harden's mind), is it really such an awful thing? For a pitcher rehabbing a bum shoulder to not push himself just to pitch some meaningless September games?

For years, Dr. Phil (and others) lambasted Dusty Baker for pushing Kerry Wood and Mark Prior to the breaking point in 2003. Which, you may recall, was a year my heroes were in the midst of a pennant race.

But now it's bad form for Harden to not want to pitch for the opprtunity to pitch the A's to 81 wins rather than the 79 they wound up with?

2. And perhaps a real smart baseball guy like Billy Beane would agree that, perhaps, it wouldn't be wise to hustle a pitcher back on the mound just to impress the scouts.

3. A couple years ago, Derrick Lee begged off some meaningless September games while he recovered from a broken wrist (and to be with his ailing daughter). He could have played, but opted to be with his family and get healthy for the next year. Does that make D-Lee "Prioriffic," too?

4. And why the cheap shot at Prior in the first place? I was as frustrated at Prior's health problems as anyone. But good God -- is there any reason for the constant harping on the guy?

Especially since Dr. Phil himself was pimping Prior as a potential Godsend for the Padres mere days before the start of the 2008 season:

While still feeling the effects of his 2007 shoulder surgery, [Mark] Prior had an outstanding spring training. He will benefit from being away from the intense scrutiny that came with the expectations he created for himself at Wrigley Field. He will start the season on the disabled list but could make 20-plus starts. Prior can be a free agent after this season, which was a factor in the Cubs not offering him salary arbitration, so he won't lack for motivation. It will be interesting to see if the Cubs will have two starters pitching better than Prior in August and September, when he could have been pushing the Cubs toward the playoffs.

Prioriffic, indeed. I'm willing to bet we have two starters pitching better than Prior in August and September...

Sully Explains It All

Why aren't MLB.com reporters members of the BBWAA? Let Sully break it down for you:

Reporters for MLB.com have already been told who is on the team, giving them a head-start for their reporting. This is one of the reasons why MLB.com reporters likely will never be allowed into the Baseball Writers Association of America. MLB wants to pretend their reporters are the same as beat reporters for newspapers and other media, but obviously that's not the case or the names would be released to everyone at the same time.

Two reactions:

1. Someone send a waaaaahhhhhh-mbulance to the corner of Boo Street and Hoo Avenue, stat!

2. MLB.com reporters aren't BBWAA members? They are now officially my favorite baseball reporters ever. If the BBWAA hates them enough to exclude them from the clubhouse, they gotta be doing something right...

Coincidence, or Something the White Sox Organization Teaches?

Looks like the waaaaaaaaaah-mbulance needs to make a stop in Saint Louis:

“Lately it’s gotten a little unfair,” Cardinals manager Tony La Russa said. “You lose Albert, you lose Wainwright, (Joel) Piñeiro was missing. All that stuff gets to be a little unfair.

“If it gets excessive, it kind of pisses you off.”

Unfair? Yeah, I guess that's one way of looking at it.

The non-whiny way of looking at it: that's baseball. Deal with it.

Yahoo's Jeff Passan must be trying to get some credentials for the McCain campaign, because this is his sentence immediate after LaRussa's "unfair" claim:

La Russa is a lot of things. A whiner isn’t one of them.

Spare me. If anybody else in the game had said that his team's injury situation was "unfair," he'd be mocked nine ways from Sunday for being a WATB. I guess LaRussa's reputation as a straight-talkin' maverick protects him from such judgements...

The Hell???

Michael Lewis, the evil-doer who co-wrote Moneyball with Billy Beane (that's a joke -- don't write in to tell me that's incorrect), once referred to baseball as a big social club, with the media serving as a Women's Auxiliary to the club.

One journamalist that Lewis points to as playing a large role in the Auxiliary is Tracy Ringolsby. And Ringolsby shows off the credentials that led him to that role with this puzzling piece about Cub Fans and White Sox Fans.

I'm not sure what the hell this was supposed to be about. But I'm pretty sure there's something to offend everyone in this piece (Jim, any thoughts on those Sox Fans who "like to talk about Disco Demlotion?").

What a Difference a Day Makes

After wasting a few paragraphs with pointless trivia (Did you know that the Cubs are off to their best start since 1977? Or, more to the point, do you care?), Sully drops this nugget of joy into his "game" story late Tuesday night:

While the Cubs came into the game ranked third in NL starting pitching with a 3.96 earned-run average, Marquis and Ted Lilly have yet to show the kind of consistency needed to convince anyone the Cubs are truly a championship-caliber team.

That's actually a fair cop, and an unusually insightful piece of commentary from a usually-inane Sully.

Unfortunately, the insight doesn't continue today. Sully reverts to his typical typist fare with this:

Two months into the season, the Cubs are the obvious front-runner for the National League pennant, an unfamiliar position for many of the players.

Gentle Readers, try to wrap your mind around these two statements, posted on the web site of a major metropolitan daily on two consecutive days.

I understand that the unfolding narrative of the season means that team's fortunes will rise and fall. But can a particular team's fortunes rise so fast that on Tuesday it is unable to "convince anyone they are truly a championship-caliber team," while on Wednesday it is the "obvious front-runner for the National League pennant?"

I don't know about you, Gentle Readers, but if I overheard a fellow at my local watering establishment, or at the office water cooler, spout off two wildly divergent opinions about the same team on consecutive days, I'd be inclined to write him off as a kook. Or a disingenuous phony.

Perhaps Major League Baseball follows the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- measuring a team's position in the standing makes its momentum uncertain.

Big Mouth Morrissey: Even More Annoying Than the Real Morrissey

Shorter Big Mouth: It's about time the focus at Wrigley Field was on the games, instead of stuff like billy goats, evil advertising signs, people singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," and the horror that is selling naming rights to the place. You know, the kind of stupid sh*t that is the bread-and-butter of my columns.

Hey, don't take my word for it. Here's the first five paragraphs of his piece:

A beautiful Saturday afternoon, and the only thing that matters at Wrigley Field is the action on the field.

This is more like it. Or, at least, this is the way it's supposed to be. But these are the Cubs, and this is a different universe.

Of course, the emphasis should be on the baseball. Not on the physical state of the ballpark. Not on the offensive Kosuke Fukudome T-shirts on sale. Not on the eventual sale of the team. Not on the seventh-inning-stretch singers. Not on how much advertising to allow inside Wrigley. Not on the ballpark's landmark status.

Not on the long-suffering fans. Not on naming rights. Not on the concern that fans are harassing Alfonso Soriano. Not on the Billy Goat curse or rooftop owners or a fan reaching for a foul ball during a playoff game.

It should be about the team with the best record in baseball beating the Rockies on a sunlit afternoon. By the way, the team with the best record in baseball hasn't won a World Series in 100 years. Would that be considered immaterial to the Cubs holding off Colorado 5-4 on Saturday?

A Bartman re-set followed up by a 100 year re-set? Well played, sir! Well played!

I gotta hand it to ol' Big Mouth, though. No one at the Tower is as much a virtuoso at playing the rubes than he is...

Big Mouth does let something slip, a dirty little secret that few in the Chicago journamalist trade will ever let you in on:

The Yankees might dwell in the Bronx Zoo and every breath they take might be material for New York tabloids, but the difference is that the Yankees have won 26 World Series. They're the circus; the fans aren't. It's the other way around here, with Wrigleyville serving as the big top.

If you're thinking to yourself that this wouldn't be the case if the media chose to take a pass on everything Cub, you're right.

WHAT????? I'm so confused..."if the media chose to take a pass on everything Cub?"

B-b-b-b-but Kenny told us that there was only one team in Chicago that got a pass. And it wasn't the White Sox!

Now Big Mouth says the Cubs don't get a pass, either. It's like one of those paradoxes Kirk uses to make evil computers blow themselves up on Star Trek!

Note: I take no credit for this post's title. I shamelessly swiped it from a commenter over at Hire Jim Essian. I'm not clever enough to come up with anything that funny...

Another Triumph from the Tower of Ideas

Way back in April, Sully was johnny-on-the spot with a quick blog post trumpeting the fact that the Cubs putzed away a seven-run lead against the Pirates. As I noted at the time, Sully didn't bother to add a follow-up post mentioning the minor fact that the Cubs eventually won the game in extra innings. However, he did helpfully add that the last time the Cubs came back from a seven-run deficit was 22 June, 1999 against Colorado, when they turned a 9-1 Rockies lead into a 13-12 Cubs win.

By an amazing coincidence, the Cubs came back from a 9-1 deficit to defeat the Rockies 10-9 Friday. No, there was no in-game blog post from Sully to tell fans about the amazing turn-around. And, no, there was no mention in Sully's game story about how many years it had been since the Cubs had prevailed despite digging themselves a deep early hole.

Sully did manage to work a reference to the 100th anniversary of the Cubs' last World Series victory into his story. In the second paragraph, no less.

This came a day after Sullly spent the first three paragraphs of Friday's game story rehashing last May's lost weekend. You may remember it -- it started with Carlos Zambrano playing Whack-a-Barrett and ended with Lou Piniella throwing a hissy-fit on the field.

As any j-school graduate could tell you, those lead paragaphs should contain the most important information in the whole piece. Why is year-old information more important than what happened yesterday? Jeebus only knows. It's just how Sully rolls, I guess...

It Would Be Funny If It Weren't So Pathetic

Shorter Mike Downey: Boo-hoo! The White Sox are in second place, and no one loves them as much as they love the Cubs! Boo-hoo! Life is so unfair!

This is standard-issue nuttery from Downey. I try not to mock stuff like this (because it's like shooting fish in a Dixie cup), but there was one particular passage that made me laugh and laugh. The ridiculousness of it just begged for a whuppin'.

After blathering about how the Sox started the week merely a game out of first place, and about all the good young talent on the team, and some self-pitying mewling about how nobody loves his heroes, Downey comes back with this:

For a team that has been in first or second place for most of this season, the Sox have not been the talk of the league. They aren't even the talk of their own town.

Cubs, Cubs and More Cubs—that's what you hear here.

A day doesn't go by without somebody gushing about how great the Cubs look. (Whereas the last time I looked in the standings, the Cubs were only 1 1/2 games ahead of the so-so Houston Astros and 4 1/2 up on the p.u. Pittsburgh Pirates.)

And this is the point at which Downey's logic collapses like the house of cards it is.

No, not because I think the White Sox stink. Rather, it's because the facts have a pro-Cubs bias.

Downey's facts are right about the Cubs' lead over divisional rivals Houston and Pittsburgh. But Downey is disingenuous presenting this information, because he doesn't actually tell you what the teams' records actually are.

Heading into today's action, here's the NL Central standings:

Chicago 23-15 ---
Saint Louis 23-17 1
Houston 22-17 1.5
Milwaukee 19-19 4
Pittsburgh 18-20 5
Cincinnati 16-23 7.5

Meanwhile, the White Sox -- the team Downey refers to as a "nice surprise" and deserves a "standing ovation" for being a game out of first place, is 18-19.

You read that correctly. Mike Downey says that a .500 team is a "nice suprise."

Eagle-eyed readers may also notice that those so-so Astros would be three games up in the standings on the Pale Hose. And the "p.u." Pirates -- merely a half-game behind.

And that's the team Downey is telling the rubes they should be cheering for. Not those no-good, rotten, over-rated Cubs.

The White Sox have an interesting team this year, which is more than I could say about last year's version. But right now, they're a .500 team with decent pitching and a middling offense. If Cleveland and Detroit continue to fritter away their seasons, that could be enough to keep them in contention all year. You know, pretty much the same scenario that last year's Cubs squad took advantage of.

Downey's an admitted White Sox partisan, so it's not surprising that he should make this little trip in the waaaaaaaaah-mbulance. The truly sad thing -- a guy who is honored with a Hall of Fame ballot cannot advance the discourse about our National Pastime more than this.

Saddle Up

If you want more proof that the blow-up doll "controversy" is more like making a mountain out of a grain of sand, look no further than Mike Downey and Big Mouth Morrissey getting up on their high horses in this week's Trib.

Downey pretty much calls out the Sun-Times as a bunch of hypocrites for getting up in arms about the dolls while at the same time running adverts for strip joints and pictures of Playmates.

Meanwhile, Big Mouth says:

I don't want to sound like a mother demanding her child eat all of his food because of the starving children in China, but 22,000 people died in a recent typhoon in Myanmar, and we're worried about two blowup dolls in a major-league clubhouse?

Congratulations, Big Mouth -- you've just rationlized your livelihood away. I mean, bad stuff happens every single day in the world. Really bad stuff that makes worrying about any form of entertainment (movies, sports, TV) inconsequential.

When a "controversy" is so lame that it produces two columns this banal, it's time to close the door on it. Please, let's just move on, OK?

The Donald Runs His Mouth

Sweet Jumping Jebus on a pogo stick! Who in the hell cares for a single minute what Donald Trump thinks about Alex Rodriguez? How surprising that a boob like Trump thinks that Derek Jeter is a winner and Rodriguez is a loser. Rodriquez has never won a ring, so how could he be any good? It's all his fault when the Yankees don't win, you know, because he is a failure in the clutch. And Jeter, he just knows how to win.

Please explain to me the fascination that America seems to have with a jackass like Trump, an egotistical, money worshiping, mean spirited creep. Why is this news?

And here's a puzzler for you: if Derek Jeter is all-powerful, how is it that his Yankees have won no World Series titles since 2000? Rodriguez didn't show up until 2004, so it can't all be his fault. Or can it?

It Happens Every Spring

It's the end of April, and that can only mean it's time for the Tribune to rehash the Lee Elia tirade story again.

Funny how things change...twenty-five years ago, Elia said a lot of naughty, naughty words. And people were shocked -- shocked, I tell ya!

Today, there's another manager in town for whom the F-bomb serves as a conjunction, preposition, and adjective. And he's praised for his straight-talking, non-PC way of takin' care of business.

[Side note to everyone in Chicago -- there's only one team in the city that gets a pass. Stop handing out passes!]

More interesting than the same-old, same-old Elia Says Curses story is the accompanying text about the reporters covering Elia's rant. From the first few paragraphs you can tell that Teddy Greenstein is giving us a rare glimpse into the soul of our sports media:

It was a few hours before their 6 p.m. sportscast, and WMAQ-Ch. 5's 1-2 punch of Chet Coppock and Mark Giangreco realized they were hurting for a lead item.

The date was April 29, 1983. The White Sox were in Toronto. The Blackhawks were down 2-0 to Edmonton in their playoff series. The Bulls were already on vacation.

"We're watching the Cubs game and Lee Smith throws a wild pitch in the eighth to bring in the [ Dodgers'] go-ahead run," Coppock recalled. "The Cubs are just awful.

"So I tell Mark, 'Why don't you go to Cubs park? There has to be somebody who will pop off.' "

What that? The media just trolling for controversial sound bites to fill its air time? And not really giving a rat's ass about what actually happens on the field, as long as they can get some good tape of "somebody who will pop off?"

Over the last quarter century, our baseball media has grown much more tolerant of NC-17 language. But they still loves them some hot, juicy sound bites.

Good to know that somethings haven't changed since 1983.

Pundit-Hot-Air-Symmetry Fever -- Catch It!

Shorter Big Mouth and van Dyck: Sure, the Cubs swept the Pirates. But the Pirates suck. Therefore, if you think the Cubs have a chance to have a good year, you're an idiot.

Either the eds at the Tower really cracked the whip on Sunday night, or Big Mouth Morrissey and Dave van Dyck were typing off the same script. The two scribes expended a lot of energy explaining that the Cubs would have to do just as well against the Mets, Rockies, and (later this month) the Brew Crew to keep the Pennant Express rolling.

To which I say: No kidding.

I think it's fair to say that beating Pittsburgh is not a trial by fire for any would-be pennant contender (sorry, Pirate Fans -- believe me, I feel your pain). But imagine the wailing and gnashing of teeth if the Cubs hadn't swept the Pirates. Or -- even worse -- split their first six games.

Imagined Big Mouth and van Dyck wailing: Great googaly moogaly! How can anyone consider the Cubs a pennant contender when they can't handle a second-division team like the Pirates? Any team wanting to establish its post-season bona fides needs to beat up on the weaker sisters of the league.

I wasn't about to send in a down payment on October tickets after the Pirates series. But wins are wins, and I'd rather my heroes beat the Pirates now than the alternative.