Tragedy Plus Time Equals Comedy

Dr. Phil isn't spending all time playing "what if" games about Curtis Granderson.  He's also hard at work rehabilitating Dusty Baker's reputation:

With Dusty Baker in charge of the 2003 Cubs, Kerry Wood led the majors in pitches and Mark Prior led in pitches per start. Prior did this despite only turning 23 that September. Some are now questioning whether Baker retard the development of Cuban phenom Aroldis Chapman. But that question can only be answered with another question -- how good is the Cincinnati bullpen? The Cubs' bullpen was brutal in '03, as was shown clearly post-Bartman. Baker's burning desire to win demands a deep bullpen.

This is hilarious on so many levels.  Those of us who were (a) sentient and (2) paying attention to the coverage of your 2003 and 2004 Chicago Cubs would have noticed many members of the Chicago media pimping these talking points about Baker as the absolute, honest-to-God truth:

• Dusty ruined the careers of Wood and Prior by running them into the ground.
• Dusty cannot manage a bullpen. If he did, the bullpen wouldn't suck so much.
• Dusty's desire to be liked by his players trumps everything else. If he were serious about winning, he'd crack back on them and make them stop saying mean things about Steve Stone and Sully.

Well, that was a lifetime ago, wasn't it?  Dr. Phil has spent most of the spring talking about Dusty and what a great shot he has of winning the Central this year.

The scripts about wristbands, toothpicks, and Dusty's prediliction to use the word "dude" in casual conversation are all forgotten in the stampede to talk about D-Bake's "burning desire to win."

I used to think it was only Cubs players who became superstars the moment they moved to another team. (Check your archives for the Trib's coverage of Eric Hinske, Todd Wellemyer, Sergio Mitre, and Jake Fox. Or, more recently, Milton Bradley.)

Apparently, the leaving-the-Cubs magic also rubs off on managers.  Perhaps if the Nationals get off to a decent start, Dr. Phil will drop his criticisms of Jim Riggelman down the memory hole too.

And I Want a Pony, Too!

Dr. Phil bemoans the fact that the Tigers traded center fielder Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, not the Cubs.

Impressively, Dr. Phil behaves as a semi-responsible journamalist by acknowledging that perhaps Hendry couldn't pull off the deal because the Cubs don't have players the Tigers wanted.  Will wonders ever cease?

How different would life have been if he had wound up playing for his hometown team?

Granderson pondered that question for a long time this offseason. It could have been a beautiful marriage — in my opinion, one of the best things that might have happened to the Cubs both because of his skill set as a power-speed hitter and plus fielding and his off-the-charts intangibles.

Cubs general manager Jim Hendry worked to make that happen but couldn't force an unnatural fit with the Tigers, who were looking for parts that weren't in the Cubs' inventory. He settled for signing the right-handed-hitting Marlon Byrd instead, a move born of need, not inspiration.

It was Granderson he really wanted.

"Jim did want to get a deal done,'' Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski said. "But if we were going to trade Curtis and [starter] Edwin Jackson, we had to get back players who could help in the major leagues now. The Cubs had players we liked but they weren't the kind that were ready, and that was the kind we had to have.''

That's better than Dr. Phil has done in the past.  In times past, Dr. Phil would have been happy to brush off his "Boy, that Hendry is an idiot for not making this trade" script and called it a day.

Other ways life would be different, if only Hendry could pull off a trade or two:

• DNA technology could clone Babe Ruth, Walter Johnson, and Honus Wagner. Just think how awesome the Cubs would be with those three guys!
• We could trade a few prospects to the guys and Ben and Jerrys in exchange for magical chocolate and peanut butter ice cream, the kind that you can eat as much as you wanted without getting fat.  Good for me personally, and good to help Carlos Silva from becoming the Cubs' version of Bobby Jenks.
• Ponies for everyone!  Woooo!

One other thing...Dr. Phil. mentions Granderson's "hometown team."  As I've been reminded several bajillion times, there are two teams in Chicago.  Would trading for Granderson be "one of the better things" to happen to the White Sox?

Whaddya say, Dr. Phil?

In Alex Rios, Juan Pierre and a rejuventated [Andruw] Jones, [Ozzie] Guillen would have himself three center fielders -- four if you count Mark Kotsay, a regular there as recently as 2008 for the Braves.

Certainly no need for a "power-speed hitter" with "plus fielding and off-the-charts intangibles" when you've got that quartet of center field excellence.

It's Especially Tricky the Way It Works

Time for another round of that famed Sesame Street game "One of These Things Is Not Like the Others!"

Here's the Chicago Tribune's Mark Gonzalez:

It was more than just a 3.71 ERA that White Sox closer Bobby Jenks needed to trim.


For Jenks, the bigger transformation involved his diet habits in an effort to change his daily life and enhance his baseball longevity.

"Honestly, it was a lot of everything," the 6-foot-4 Jenks said of the alterations he made to drop his weight to 275 pounds. "Not drinking helps. But really it was a lifestyle choice I wanted to make — not just for myself but for my family.

Really, the drinking part was hard. But once you did it, it was easy."

[snip]
The Sox's front office has been delighted at the way Jenks, 29, has responded. Four springs ago, following his breakout rookie season, Jenks reported to camp noticeably overweight and had to spend extra time with conditioning director Allen Thomas.

"In the past we've had to do two things — we had to get him in shape and his arm in shape," pitching coach Don Cooper said. "Right now it's just the arm because his body is in shape. It's great to see Bobby taking more responsibility and control of his career and life."

Jenks pitched through the 2005 postseason with a sore hip but managed to stay healthy until 2008, when he experienced discomfort behind his left shoulder blade. Last year he was sidelined because of kidney stones and missed the final 10 games because of a right calf strain.

As a result, Jenks embarked on measures to strengthen the shoulders, back and legs. He has also cut down on non-healthy food.

"Everyone knows not to eat certain things that aren't good for you, and the hard part is actually going to do it," Jenks said.

Good for Jenks.  As a guy who has made similar changes to his lifestyle, I appreciate how difficult it can be. But it's worth it.
 
Dr. Phil has another heart-warming story of a guy who's worked himself into shape:

Consider the highly motivated Andruw Jones. He arrived at the White Sox camp early and sassy, at one point calling himself the best center fielder on the property.

That seems unlikely, as Jones was only moderately adequate in the outfield for Texas last season. But the man has won 10 Gold Gloves and came to Glendale in good shape (minus the spare tire he packed in the last season or two of his 12-year stay in Atlanta). He's expected to get most of his playing time as part of a DH platoon, but if he could play well in the outfield he will give Ozzie Guillen a chance to use Carlos Quentin as the DH, lessening the chance he will have a recurrence of plantar fasciitis.

Ooohhhh...sassy! I like it!

And finally, it's our old buddy Sully, talkin' about the Cub's formerly pudgy catcher.  These are the first two paragraphs of his story:

After losing 40 pounds during the offseason, Geovany Soto looks like an air-brushed impression of his old self.

But losing weight means being under suspicion in the modern age. Soto laughed Tuesday when asked about talk show speculation he had been using performance-enhancing drugs.

"To me, (the rumors are) kind of ridiculous," Soto said. "I wasn't strong. I was just fat."

Sully shows superb self-restraint -- he waited almost two dozen words before he brought up the "speculation" that Geo's been doping!

To sum up:  the first thing we hear about Jenks is how he did "a lot of everything" to drop down to a sub-Fielder weight.  The first thing we hear about Jones is how he's "highly motivated."

And the first thing we hear about Soto is he's "air-brushed" (i.e., fake) and "under suspicion" for juicing.

So...which thing is not like the others?  The Soto piece, of course!

It's just another example of that damnable Tribune bias in favor of the Cubs.

Cheap Shots and Shameful Behavior

It's been a shameful week so far at the Tribune Tower, as two of the company's star columnists engaged in some pretty disgraceful behavior.

First, Big Mouth Morrissey took it upon himself to get Ozzie Guillen to respond to his insulting, anonymously-send e-mail. At the end of the day, Big Mouth is man enough to tell Ozzie he's the guy who's been sending the insulting e-mails. But still -- why in God's name would anyone do that?

Let alone an allegedly professional journalist?

This little escapade doesn't quite reach these heights in terms of outright ignominity. But it comes close.

Meanwhile, Dr. Phil gives us his take on the Brewer's trade for Captain Cheeseburger and the Cubs' move to pick up Rich Harden. True to form, in Dr. Phil's world everything is sunshine and lollipops for the Brew Crew, and doom and gloom for the Cubs.

Buried towards the end of the piece is this little nugget of joy:

Another scout said he did not view Harden as the next best pitcher available after Sabathia because of "makeup" and health questions. He said Harden, who had spent months rehabilitating from a strained shoulder, declined to make starts last September because the A's were out of the race.

If true, that's positively Prioriffic.

Well played, sir! A definite two-fer for the mediocre Doctor! Getting the boot in on Harden and Prior at the same time...not everyone can pull that off. It takes some real talent.

A couple thoughts on the cheap shot(s):

1. If true (and that's a big if, considering all we have to go on is the word of an anonymous scout who's already on the record as being anti-Harden and is probably not a world-class clairvoyant able to read Harden's mind), is it really such an awful thing? For a pitcher rehabbing a bum shoulder to not push himself just to pitch some meaningless September games?

For years, Dr. Phil (and others) lambasted Dusty Baker for pushing Kerry Wood and Mark Prior to the breaking point in 2003. Which, you may recall, was a year my heroes were in the midst of a pennant race.

But now it's bad form for Harden to not want to pitch for the opprtunity to pitch the A's to 81 wins rather than the 79 they wound up with?

2. And perhaps a real smart baseball guy like Billy Beane would agree that, perhaps, it wouldn't be wise to hustle a pitcher back on the mound just to impress the scouts.

3. A couple years ago, Derrick Lee begged off some meaningless September games while he recovered from a broken wrist (and to be with his ailing daughter). He could have played, but opted to be with his family and get healthy for the next year. Does that make D-Lee "Prioriffic," too?

4. And why the cheap shot at Prior in the first place? I was as frustrated at Prior's health problems as anyone. But good God -- is there any reason for the constant harping on the guy?

Especially since Dr. Phil himself was pimping Prior as a potential Godsend for the Padres mere days before the start of the 2008 season:

While still feeling the effects of his 2007 shoulder surgery, [Mark] Prior had an outstanding spring training. He will benefit from being away from the intense scrutiny that came with the expectations he created for himself at Wrigley Field. He will start the season on the disabled list but could make 20-plus starts. Prior can be a free agent after this season, which was a factor in the Cubs not offering him salary arbitration, so he won't lack for motivation. It will be interesting to see if the Cubs will have two starters pitching better than Prior in August and September, when he could have been pushing the Cubs toward the playoffs.

Prioriffic, indeed. I'm willing to bet we have two starters pitching better than Prior in August and September...

And That's Why He's Got a Hall of Fame Ballot and We Don't

Dr. Phil shows off his impressive analytical skills once more:

The next two months will determine whether the St. Louis Cardinals will be in the National League Central race for the long haul, as his teams usually are.

Two months from now would be September. So...if the Cardinals are still in the race come September, that would determine if they will be in the race for the long haul.

Can't argue with logic like that.

Tuesday Night Link Dump

It's the laziest post of the week, as I just don't feel like thinking all that much...

** Listening to the Rays/Mariners game tonight, I just heard what could be the greatest radio promotion of all time!

If you bring a radio to the Trop, and one of crew there spots you with it, they'll give you a game ball. And a chance to give a shout-out on the air.

OK, so it's not much. Still, I think it's pretty cool.

** As far as bloggers go, Sully makes me look like someone who puts effort into it. He rarely posts anything that isn't a cut-and-paste from his pieces in the next day's paper (unlike White Sox beat reporter Mark Gonzales, who seems to understand that the blog provides a medium that offers the opportunity to post in real time).

Sully, though, was quick to put this post up trumpeting the Cubs' blown seven-run lead Monday. If you're looking for a follow-up post that mentions in passing the Cubs winning that game in extras...well, you're still waiting.

What do you think about that, Kenny Williams?

There's only one sports team in Chicago that will get a pass. I won't name them. But it ain't us.

** I've already mocked Dr. Phil for his dopey "Power Rankings." Fortunately, Bad Kermit at Hire Jim Essian! presents a funnier mockery of the "Power Rankings." He even includes a re-set of this famous play:



** Fire Joe Morgan's Ken Tremendous presents a cogent write-up of what I consider to be the greatest moment in the history of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. I mean, did the guys at ESPN really expect the umpire to say something not bleep-worthy after getting drilled in the face with a pitch?

** I'm not sure what The New Yorker's Roger Angell is trying to say here. I think he's saying that baseball players used steroids because they want to make an assload of money, not because they want to tarnish the game's hallowed records. Any thoughts on that?

** As you may have heard, the pit known as Shea Stadium is closing after this year. And while MLB.com's Michael Bauman mentions one famous non-baseball event held there, I don't understand how he could leave this one out of his column:



** And just for the hell of it, take a trip in the Way-Back Machine and revisit a classic episode of Batgirl's Legovision. Because I miss Batgirl.

Oh Good Lord

Dr. Phil offers his special brand of baseball analysis with his first "Power Rankings" of the season:

9. Cubs (6): For this to be a magical season, they will have to play better. They were on a pace to allow a majors-worst 162 unearned runs through five games.

"They will have to play better." Thanks, Dr. Phil! I bet my heroes never thought of that!

Oh, and I love the talk about being "on pace" this early in the year. By the way -- Mark Ellis was "on pace" to hit 162 homers after the first game in Tokyo. He's fallen slightly off the pace since then...

Dr. Phil also has the Tigers ranked #31. Don't ask why he has more than thirty spots for a thirty-team list (he adds allegedly clever things to his lists). Hey -- Detroit's on pace to lose a major-league worst 162 games through five games (and most of the sixth going on right now).

I think it's obvious that for the Tigers to get the magical season everybody expected from the, they'll have to play better.

(Dr) Phil Us in on the Cub Rules

Our old friend Dr. Phil has spent the last week entertaining readers with his 2008 season previews. Discussing the Cubs' chances this season, he shows once again that he knows the rules that today's baseball journamalism plays under.

For each team, Dr. Phill offers pros and cons for each team going into 2008. Here's his very first reason why the Cubs won't win this year:

Con: Check the uniforms. This is the 100th anniversary of their Cubs' last World Series title.

Readers, let me ask a question: if you asked me what I thought about the Brewers' chances this year, and my first take was the fact that they haven't made the post-season since 1982, what would you think about my analytical skills? Or if I said that there's no way the Pirates will contend because they spent the better part of the '40s and '50s as also rans?

Or, more provacatively, if I said that the White Sox won't win the AL Central because of what happened way back in 1919?

At best, you'd laugh me off as a crank. At worst, you'd think I was deeply disturbed. After all, what does any of that have to do with this year?

None of that has anything to do with this year. But when it comes to discussions about the Cubs, it's perfectly crumulent to bring up events that happened three-quarters of a century before some of the current roster were even born. It's almost like a requirement nowadays -- any mention of the Cubs has to mention the hundred years.

Dr. Phil knows which side his bread is buttered on. He plays by the rules.

The good Doctor shows his in-depth knowledge of the Cub Rules in this discussion of the NL West:

While still feeling the effects of his 2007 shoulder surgery, [Mark] Prior had an outstanding spring training. He will benefit from being away from the intense scrutiny that came with the expectations he created for himself at Wrigley Field. He will start the season on the disabled list but could make 20-plus starts. Prior can be a free agent after this season, which was a factor in the Cubs not offering him salary arbitration, so he won't lack for motivation. It will be interesting to see if the Cubs will have two starters pitching better than Prior in August and September, when he could have been pushing the Cubs toward the playoffs.

For the past three seasons, the favored script about Prior always (as per the rules) mentioned his fragility, how the Cubs couldn't count on him, and how stupid the Cubs were for counting on him to make any kind of contribution during the season -- no matter how good he said he felt during spring training.

This year is different -- Prior threw twenty-five pitches in batting practice, and everything is all good for him. No snide remarks about his past. No questions about whether or not he's a malingerer who's not tough enough to pitch in pain. No mocking the Padres for thinking they'll get anything at all out of him.

Not this year. This year, Dr. Phil is counting on him to get 20 starts in. And he wonders if the Cubs will have two pitchers better than Prior this August. Things change, indeed...

But what changed? Gentle Reader, it's so simple -- check the uniform!

The Hell???

Shorter Dr. Phil: If the Boston Red Sox really cared about their coaches and support staff, they would have paid them for the Japan trip out of their own pockets. Damn those greedy bastards!

I think the guys at Fire Joe Morgan put it best when the respond to stuff like this with "F*ck the heck?"

We Got a Pass

Dr. Phil -- the same guy who taught us that trading Babe Ruth for Neifi Perez and Brad Ausmus gives your team a +1 -- presents his latest bit of statistical analysis:

The Cubs, Red Sox, Diamondbacks and Phillies need to pick up the pace a little bit. Entering the weekend, those four 2007 playoff teams were among the 10 biggest losers this spring. There was only one playoff team from among the 10 teams with the worst records last spring. …

This just might be the first and only time that I've ever seen anyone refer to any previous year's spring training records. Because, frankly, who the hell cares about spring training performance?

And before you raise your hand and shout "Me! Me!" answer this question honestly -- what was your favorite team's exhibition record last March? I sure as hell don't know what the Cubs' March record was last year, and I'm the biggest Cubs geek in my circle.

By the way...as of this writing, there are ten teams with ten or more losses this exhibition season. The Cubs, Phillies, and Diamondbacks (along with the Giants and Pirates) lead the suck parade with twelve losses. Running a close second with eleven losses are Houston, LA, and Toronto.

Right behind those guys, with ten losses so far, are Washington...and the Chicago White Sox. Yep, the Pale Hose are among the "10 biggest losers." And yet, there is no exhortation from Dr. Phil for them to "pick up the pace," lest they fail to make the playoffs.

But remember -- there's only one sports team in Chicago that will get a pass. I won't name them. But it ain't the White Sox.

Call Will Shortz...

...because I'm officially puzzled by the headline on Dr. Phil's latest piece:

Yes, you can have too much pitching
Many contenders for few vacancies on Cubs, Brewers staffs

I saw a Cubs blog this morning mocking Dr. Phil for this. Can't remember which one, sorry.

But the odd thing is...I can't mock Dr. Phil over this. Because he doesn't really say anything about the Cubs or the Brewhas having too much pitching:

Pitching depth is unlikely to decide a race between the Cubs and the Milwaukee Brewers. Both of the NL Central front-runners will head to spring training with more arms than they will need.

The Cubs have five legitimate candidates for the last two spots in the rotation—Jason Marquis, Jon Lieber, Sean Marshall, Ryan Dempster and Sean Gallagher are behind Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly and Rich Hill.

The Brewers appear just as deep. They have Carlos Villanueva, Dave Bush, Claudio Vargas, Chris Capuano and Manny Parra lined up behind young stud Yovani Gallardo and veterans Ben Sheets and Jeff Suppan.

Of course, Dr. Phil doesn't really say much of anything here. All he does is list the guys who are contending for a gig in the starting rotation of both teams. He doesn't say it's bad (as the headline implies). It just is.

If you have an issue with the headline promising more than Dr. Phil delivers, blame the copy editor at the Tower. He's the guy who writes the headlines.

What did strike me as odd about this bit is how Dr. Phil has done an about-face on his previous stance regarding the Cubs' rotation. Set the Way-Back Machine for 9 January 2008:

With Ryan Dempster moving to the starting rotation, the Cubs can arguably afford to give up on Marshall, who compiled an impressive 3.92 ERA in 103 innings last season. But having already non-tendered Mark Prior and expressed a willingness to include Gallagher in this deal, the addition of Marshall to the package would further erode the depth of starting pitching in the system. [emphasis mine]

Last month, Dr. Phil worried that Hendry would "further erode" his team's pitching depth if he traded Marshall and Gallagher. Today, he offers the opinion that the Cubs have "more arms" than they will need.

If you're throwing words like "erode" around in conversations about a team's pitching depth, that rather implies you're not down with the number of arms available. Am I parsing a bit too closely? Probably. But one would think a guy who makes his living with words would choose those words carefully...

Fish in a Dixie Cup

I've beaten this dead horse before, but Dr. Phil just won't let his batshit-insane plus/minus system die the quiet death it deserves.

In a post on the Tribune's blog, Dr. Phil defends himself against the slings and arrows of the readers:

When I wrote about this the first time, I tried to explain that it was just one way to evaluate the ebb and flow of talent, not to judge an off-season. There are two ways for teams to improve: through the addition or development of young talent (always the best way, assuming you have talented young players) and with veteran players. This only looks at veteran players, not the entire picture. One of Tuesday's posts correctly points out that the system I'm using would count Alex Rodriguez and David Eckstein equally. That's why I called it a very simple system.

And the reason your "simple system" counts Alex Rodriguez as the equal of David Eckstein is why I and Jim have called this a stupid system.

In typical fashion, Dr. Phil goes on to try to defend his "analysis" by digging up two of his favorite off-season scripts. First:

...raise your hand if you knew 102 players would drive in more runs than Alfonso Soriano last year, including Brandon Phillips, Bengie Molina, Mark Ellis, Jack Cust, Curtis Granderson and Mark DeRosa...

And then:

This time around, it's easy to get excited about the Cubs adding Kosuke Fukudome, but it shouldn't be forgotten that they have subtracted Jacque Jones, Cliff Floyd and Jason Kendall, who did make contributions in 2007.

It seems to me the plus-minus does a decent job of showing the White Sox have improved more than the Cubs, even while missing out on Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera (they lose only Jon Garland among their most significant players and add Orlando Cabrera, Nick Swisher, Scott Linebrink and Octavio Dotel).

Once again, that evil Tribune bias is at work. The Cubs are dumb, stupid, no-goodniks for letting great players like Jacque and Jason and Cliff go. And they didn't get no one good back for them guys! Meanwhile, that swell Kenny Williams is a genius because of all his great pick ups.

And, if you didn't already realize that Dr. Phil has no idea what he's talking about, he drives the point home by criticizing a leadoff hitter because he doesn't drive in runs. Sadly, that reminds me of the guy who said that Goose Gossage isn't a Hall of Famer because of his paltry career win total.

By the way, did you know that 126 players had a higher OPS than Orlando Cabrera last year, including such stalwarts as Jose Bautista, Ty Wiggington, Curtis Granderson, and that no-good worthless bum Alfonso Soriano? And that most sane people think that OPS is a more viable method of analyzing the game than some half-witted plus/minus system?

Click on the link, if only to read the comments from the peanut gallery. Some good stuff there, too. Better than I could come up with., to be honest. And, in true Trib bias fashion, that last comment (as of this writing) is from White Sox Fan calling Cub Fans stupid. Ah, the bias. I'll miss it when the team finally gets sold...

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

The most frequently asked (and annoying) question of writers is, "where do you get your ideas?" Sometimes it is hard coming up with things to write about; those are the days you don't see a new post here. Sometimes it's much easier, and sometimes we get a little help from our friends.

Both Bob and myself have already taken a turn at mocking this lunacy, as has Ken Tremendous at FireJoeMorgan.com and others. Many others, it seems. So many others that Dr. Phil has found it necessary to devote a blog post defending it. He defended it about as well as the French army defended Paris in 1940.

When you are finished reading Dr. Phil's nonsensical expanation, please read the comments posted below. Take note of two things. First, not one respondent defends Dr. Phil's system. Because, frankly, no one with any functioning gray matter could. And second, neither Bob nor I are the "Bob" or "Jim" who posted.

Also, please take notice of the comments of "Kevin" at 8:07:24 AM. Even a dimwit such as Kevin recognizes that Dr. Phil is full of crap, although poor Kevin is completely unable to clarify his thoughts in a coherent matter, or even in passable English.